Nemesis , I think your very kind practical , down to earth advice is useful for ( for want of a better word) average to severe " down in the dumps" - type depression.

However, there is a kind of depression that is so deep and terrifying I don't even know how I am writing about it now. It is so terrible that when you get through it ( as, thank God, I did...now a long time ago  you barely want to acknowledge that it ever existed ( in case somehow, by remembering it you give it substance and it comes back). For this kind of depression , which froze my senses, sometimes rooted me paralytic with fear, to the spot, which I knew was lurking somewhere behind me waiting to overwhelm me with black terror at any moment...I can assure you that your helpful homilies hold no meaning whatsoever.

Think of the most vile monster created by special effects in a movie, slimey and black and dripping and cloaked and voracious....with cold glowing eyes,icey swirling winds around, long boney fingers with claws reaching out to take you and swallow you up in a petrifying ,bottomless spinning vortex that goes down and down and down ....that is not even close to trying to personify the feeling of this kind of overwhelming blackness.The light went out of my eyes and the precious inspiration that nurtures feeling ,motivation, passion or any desire to interact with life, completely and utterly abandoned me.

You cannot say well-meaningly to that person " Go and do some good-works,dear and you'll feel a bit better or " take some time out and do something you really enjoy...that'll cheer you up "  I just felt like punching these do-gooders , who understood nothing, in the face.

I can assure you that all I wanted to do was die and escape from the torment.It was hard ,even impossible to see any end or any relief.

And I'm exhausted from writing all this....so lets have a little imaginary Banjo lick..please !

but...although it seemed totally impossible to me during the worst times....I did totally recover!!!!!

How???  Firstly, I wanted to live.I somehow kept hold of a glimmer of hope like a pinprick of light far away, a belief no matter how hopeless that maybe I could recover.In the end it really is a belief in goodness and life itself. It really was like a battle with demons.This is the only way I can describe it.

 Some of Prem Rawats words did help....after all..he did talk about the power of love and life...didn't he?  ...and about putting one foot in front of the other...day by day and reaching forwards. Well that's what it was like.. slowly,slowly and keeping believing and hoping... Each thing that I managed to achieve, even if it was just getting out of bed and washing up the cups ,was a huge battle fought and won. Anything I managed to do that was positive and " for life" kept that blackness at bay.

 Slowly the dreaded "pits of terror" that I described above stopped coming...I'd realise I'd gone whole day without one...and that made me stronger and my hope stronger and it gathered momentum ( snowball effect)....then I'd gone a whole week..... ( now I can't recall what they were like exactly because it really is true that you only really know that kind of depression when you are actually feeling it...I just know that ,barring extreme and constant physical pain , it is the worst thing ever).

Once the "pits of terror " had passed I still had to get over the everyday feeling deeply gloomy stuff. It takes a long time. I had to be kind to myself and very patient. Spoil myself. If I had a bad day go to bed and rest and start afresh the next. Maybe now I was gradually ,gradually reaching the point where I had the energy to take on board a little bit of Nemesis' advice..just a little bit at a time ..and if it was too much..go back to bed.

In this kind of disturbed state, meditation is quite impossible.Don't even think about it !And certainly don't feel guilty about it !

The whole episode took about six years. Very severe maybe nine months and the other five and a bit years bad to better ( little by little ).

Did I take medication?  No I didn't. However I would never dream of criticising anybody's method of finding relief from that.

I held some idea that I had to " go through" this and feel these feelings. Nobody told me that. I decided and chose. I did find a good psycho-analyst.It definitely helped me to listen to my extraordinary life history from my own lips ( I realised how well I'd actually done ! ). The therapist made the odd dispassionate comment which was telling and helpful. I didn't tell him about Rawat and Nollidge but I should have done. Near the end of our sessions he asked " Have you been in a cult ? " and I said yes and invited him to a program!!! I never went back.

.....and the very fantastic news is....on completely recovering from my dark days ...I am a million times more "whole" and stronger. Much much kinder to myself . I make sure I don't push myself too hard. It doesn't matter any more if I'm not the best or the first or the richest or the fanciest and all those other " ests"...true life has nothing to do with that.

I feel like a butterfly and the depression was the ugly old chrysallis.

 As I said to Gok in a previous post ,I really try to take care of my precious real self  and not to repeat mistakes of the past.