December 19, 2004
I am an innocent…someone who believed as a child that the world is a more beautiful place than it is.

As I awaken into this new reality my struggle is to keep my faith in that which is good…to not succumb to hopelessness and despair.

I have always wanted to aspire to that which is highest, that which is best, that which is kind and loving.

But I was betrayed…the one whom I trusted, who encouraged me to be trusting, to be childlike, to believe in that which is good…he turned out to be unkind, to be untrustworthy, to be a manipulator and cheat.

So am I to walk the rest of my life with a sour frown, with a broken heart, with a tear in my eye for that which I wished to be true, but which was not?

Or can I find some peace, some love, some beauty, some comraderie, some God-damn satisfaction?!

What the hell is going on? I learn about the world in which we live, how we came to be here over many thousands of years…we are not much progressed from our common ancestor with the other apes, after all. We are very new at this thinking business, still very much animals.

Yet we have the ability to reason, to think, and to create. So we create Gods, and then they are perverted by religions. I see the history of religions and I see those who sought to guide others…maybe they had visions (whatever that is)…maybe they were merely myths created to help tribal people to feel they understood…to feel gratefulness to the elements and “spirits”.

And then later on, political tools of the powerful to keep the masses in their place…

I used to wonder how a God could allow such misery to exist in the world…now I wonder if there is such a thing as God, or is that just something like Santa Claus that you tell to children to give them something to be excited about, to give them wide eyes, and to help them want to be good?

I am a child with a broken heart…I know too much now to ever return to that child-like state…yet I miss the sense of wonder…the sense of knowing I am taken care of…the feeling of trusting…why do we have to grow up? Why can’t it be the way I wish it were?

Well, because it isn’t. It is time to grow up. It’s time to accept things the way they are…and look for beauty and meaning wherever I can find it. It doesn’t have to be as grand as I once thought. I am one person of many, at this place and time. I do not have to save the world. I don’t even need to help anyone else.

But I can’t change the fact that I want to love. I want to trust. I want to feel a part of something real and meaningful that is improving the quality of life for those around me.

I refuse to accept any dogma. I refuse to be manipulated by the powerful. I take back my life and will live it as I please, within the constraints of the possible and humane.

There are many layers to coming out of a cult. I find myself, a woman having just turned 50, feeling so old, yet so inexperienced. Where I used to have all the answers, now I have none. I am reinventing myself at an age where many are winding down, looking forward to retirement in a few years.

What shall I do? Shall I risk my retirement money and get an education, banking on the possibility of a career beginning at 55 which may or may not provide enough money to retire at some point? Or shall I play it safe and get a job which I could care less about and numbs the mind, and be assured of financial security?

I think I would rather die. There’s the answer. I will live as I wish for as long as I can. When I can no longer, then I will die a quiet death. Give me liberty or give me death! What is liberty? The freedom to live a life with meaning, the freedom to pursue happiness. So I’ve answered my own question.

How will I find happiness? I don’t know. I no longer am confident that I will. But I suppose I will continue to try. Perhaps there’s a simple formula to it. It can’t be that hard. Maybe lower my expectations just a little. Be grateful for the good that is in my life. God knows, I could be in a much worse situation.

And know that I am a “good”, “kind”, and “loving” person, whatever that is. I know that many people will not understand what I have been through, but some will. Those who have trusted, and been betrayed. I suppose that applies to just about everyone; it happens to us at various levels over our entire lifetimes.

Is that all life is, the progression of a child with wide-eyed wonder becoming a wizened old skeptic? I notice that people in their twenties have not yet usually experienced the death of a spouse, parent, brother, sister or child, or divorce. Some have experienced war, which changes a person forever. Or the heartbreak of learning that the living Lord, whom you worshipped for 30 years, is a charlatan. Life is full of heartbreak.

Yet how do our hearts recover? It seems that they do, but as with any muscle, they are never the same as before the injury. Older and wiser, we become.

I need to learn how to love for the first time in my life. How to connect with people who are not “instant friends” because we share the same guru. How to be a real friend. How to be a family member. How to contribute to society in a real way. How to be humble, yet retain my dignity and self-confidence.

I have a few friends, but I am lonely. I miss having a romantic partner. I hope I will have that again someday. I even miss the pseudo-friends I had in the cult. I guess I’m still in a big transition, but I’m so tired of changing. I want to be done, arrived, on my feet.

Yet I do thrive on change, adventure, and excitement. Perhaps I need to look at the bright side a little bit, if that is possible. Enjoy the ride. Why not? At least it will be more fun. Yeah, I’ll just lighten up a little bit. Maybe that’ll work…