Great post, and your thoughts and concerns echo so many of my own. One thought (or realisation!) that has been taking shape in my mind recently is that my desire for the experience of Knowledge and Darshan was so unbelievably selfish and self-centered, and even five years after rejecting Rawat, coming to terms with this is difficult. And yet this was my primary purpose in life for over 25 years. How could other, more noble, or even on a selfish level, more practical, purposes get a look in?

Whatever it is you choose to do, Mary, do it well, and I wish you all the best, as I do all those who are facing the difficulties of leaving the values of being in a cult.