|Re: Clarity... then and now -- lakeshore||Top of thread||Post Reply||Forum|
So there I go, off into the real world after the ashrams closed with this totally fabricated sense of premie self and the false confidence of "knowing" that goes with it... really nothing there but thinking everything was there.
I entered the ashram at age 20. Still in many ways I was a teenager. At 20 is anyone really able to make a lifetime commitment? Spent the better part of 10 VERY IMPORTANT FORMATIVE years as gopi/slave/indoctrinated fool only to be kicked out at 30 years of age with about what I entered with; a bedroll and a suitcase of clothes. Oh, I had a bicycle for transportation. Felt like a virgin in a strange world. 10 years no TV, no Rock n Roll, no relationships, no restaurants bars social events, no family structure. I was emotionally very naive.
I was working at a bakery when I moved out. I found a roommate situation from a bulletin board at the co-op. It was a couple. The man had actually received K years ago and realized it was a scam. I was lucky to have landed there. They mostly left me alone, but were sympathetic if I wanted to talk.
I was still an active brainwashed premie.
My boss introduced me to a man she thought I might like. We started dating. He got K. We moved in together and got engaged. I made the mistake to going to see Prem instead of celebrating his birthday, and the relationship soured after that. I just was VERY immature about how to navigate any kind of relationship.
That was 1984. I didn't start my deprogramming until I joined the Forum here in 2003. I got married/divorced and a Culinary degree in the in-between years. The cult did have an effect on that relationship. He was a manipulator and I was still very malleable.
Not sure why I am sharing this at 4 AM today. I got up at 2:30 to be at work by 5 AM but felt too sick to work (chest cold). Texted my boss and now she is mad, so I have to spend $150 at the walk in clinic for a Dr's note. GRRRR.
Anyway, back to stunted growth....... I am not sure, STILL, that at (almost) 65 that I will EVER have what our culture would call a "normal" relationship. I have mostly given up. I can't seem to give my heart without getting used. I mostly look at it as "the way of the world," but, how much is STILL from the damage that all those years in the cult? How many years did I strive to KILL THE EGO? To BE Bhilni?
I can't believe this has me in tears. It has been years since I felt any emotion about that RAT BASTARD! FUCK HIM and all the damage he has done to so many people! Remember est? "There are no victims, only volunteers." How do I tell that to my 20 year old self? And that for this lifetime none of what I lost will be recovered.
I live in a hut at the edge of a clearing
In summer the brook almost runs out
The autumn leaves are dry as I sweep the walk
Waiting for You
I didn't notice the years, but one day
The still waters showed gray hairs and a withered body
I live in the corner of this hut
The rest, O Lord, is Yours
The plums are ripening just now
And the blackberries
Again I will test them for sweetness
And set the table for You
Is it this morning?
When the sun is mellowing
Or as the stars poke out of that blue You make at the edge of night
Will I hear Your step?
I light a small fire, make your tea, sing Arti
Comb out my braid and offer You my meditation
One day You will come
Hot and dusty, or bitten by the wind
You will find me ready to receive You
Bhilni says, Oh foolish world
I would trade this life for no other
My heart burns a hole through the sun
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