Re: Stunted growth
Re: Stunted growth -- karenl Top of thread Post Reply Forum
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SuzyQ ®

03/09/2017, 04:35:51
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Karen your post really moved me deeply. So heart felt, thank you
It has been heinous behaviour on his part.  He trashed us all without even a thought.

Regrets are a hard thing to let go of sometimes, but I believe we need to embrace the possibilities of having none.
 It was on the question of relationships and the deepest searching within me to the point of prayer (not to him) to understand what it was in me that betrayed me so many times into relationships with prime manipulators. 

Just this week a suicide threat by email from the thieving ex from 5 years ago. 
Then an email from his address supposedly from his sister saying he'd died. I felt nothing, intuitively I knew it was yet another lie. I didn't reply to either email.
 Sure enough today he sent an email and admitted he is playing games. 
He is blocked from every medium but sends to my work email. Soon I will be leaving here so I am looking forward to that part. 

 Having been with him made me take a long hard look at what the hell program I had in me that was running in the background bringing me such narcissistic arseholes. Very painful lessons that I felt I hadn't learned from, not enough to not repeat the same mistake. 
I have steered clear of relationship since then.
After the soul searching and really beseeching God to let me know what I need to know to prevent this from ever happening again, that was when I got my first drip and steadily from then on it has become a flood of awareness, the truth for a change. 
This forum has been my lifeline for unravelling the crazy shit and how the cult thinking influenced me. For some reason it is an important part fro me to write things down, but the effect of hearing and feeling the other writings here has profoundly changed me forever
Bhilni was one of my favourites too. Very romantic. RAT BASTARD really drew energy from the premies, our hearts and minds and souls.
(This brings to mind an image of Count Dracula from sesame street, randomly,)
Currently my beautiful mind has fun minimising him at every juncture. Let out to play at last.

I guess my inner warrior comes out and makes me stand my ground and refuse to give him the kudos
Because I want control of my life again.
 I want control of my thinking processes. 
And I swear to God the warrior in me is damn well going to get it. I claim it all back. I am leaving behind that field of regrets and making a stand. I might be weaker and older but I am a whole lot wiser and bolder now so I will take my revenge by enjoying the process and the possibilities that were never there before.
 Even the bad days are better than any bad day I had in the cult. I don't get into cognitive dissonance avoidance overload anymore. Pretty sure that was not good for me or my brain. I can still physically feel what that felt like in my head when I think about it.

But I did have such a spiritual focus for 30 years it has been hard to know what to do there. I have taken to praying in the morning and evening for about 10 minutes. For about 5 months now. This has helped me personally not feel lost. It has helped the part of me that trusts in God. It was suggested to me by a priest when I felt I needed protection. Build a foundation of prayer he said. I haven't seen him or been to a church since but I have kept it up because it helps me. It differs from rawatism because instead of praying to see PR, to be able to worship him, to understand him, I pray for understanding myself, and I pray for others, for our protection and for our love and strengths to come to the fore and for our weaknesses not to assail us. I pray for mercy and forgiveness. 
I haven't forgiven Rawat. I have reduced him to an usher in the darshan line to the cloven hoof in my mind and also just now to a purple puppet Count Dracula from sesame street. 
I am reframing the context and enjoying that process because there is movement. I am not stagnating in his orbit. 
I figure if he can program me, so can I, only better. 
I have my principles to fall back on at least which is so much more than no foundation in his world. One foundation should be called no foundation
 Bhilni call me foolish but I have traded that life for another life and now I feel the full brightness of the sun in my heart and in my life The possibilities before me are vast and most are unknown to me. My former life's possibilities  looks monochrome by comparison.
PR doesn't give a rats arse about any premie, but that doesn't matter as much any more - we care for ourselves now and for each other so we don't need him. Isn't that what he was trying to prevent all along? For this I will celebrate victory.

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