Steve,

We were all chasing our tails, one way or the other.  It was a destructive, stupid imaginary pursuit and no, I don't for a moment think you're not an ex.  But let's be honest about this -- if Rawat said do "x" and went even further and explained how important it was for people to obey him explicitly, the premies who at least tried to do "x" were the good premies.  The one's who didn't weren't.  You say that you guys thought you were good premies but who the hell cares what you thought?  You were mere human beings.  We were following the Lord and what he said mattered.  And he said ......

Ugly, isn't it?  But true.  You guys might have been great, wonderful, dynamic, blah blah blah.  You might have been sincere, thirsty for whatever .... whatever.  But you weren't good premies if you weren't committed to following Rawat without question.  You can't have it all, man.  You had the world and we had brownie points for being good premies.