Thanks RJ,

You know, I'm pretty slow.  Sure, in a few areas of my life I'm pretty clever, although I rarely attribute the success directly to myself.  Instead, I often feel it's more a Zen thing where I let myself figure something out.

But, I certainly do get confused as to what people are really saying.  And, indeed, I do get confused reading the self-serving posts of Livia and Eileen.  It was as if they were saying that Maharaji was blameless and that any and all problems I had in my life were my own fault.  And that their lives were just great and blah, blah, blah.

You know, it's funny to see that one of the requirements of the Keys is that one is not mentally ill. Well, I'm not mentally ill and I wasn't mentally ill when I got Knowledge back in 1973.  Nor have I ever been mentally ill (that one is for you CAC websites that will twist our sincere words and use them out of context.)  But I will say that I sure felt like I was mentally ill from the confusion that came from listening to Maharaji tell me that I wasn't good enough for Knowledge or for him and that life was meaningless without him and worshipping him and surrending completely to him. 

And I wanted to leave.  I really did.  But, in my brainwashed state I would be leaving God and I would be damned to hell.  That's pretty difficult to deal with, in my humble opinion.  In fact, who in their right mind who honestly absorbed and accepted all of what Maharaji said where he constantly proclaimed himself to be God could think anything other than Maharaji really was God.

What a nasty place to be?  And what insanity that was for me.  I absolutely felt torn and twisted.

And like many confused and idealistic young people I was lacking direction and I was having a difficult time at age 19 and 20 figuring out what I wanted to do in my life.  And I caught a fair amount of grief from my family (parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.)  And it got worse once I joined a cult.  And it got even worse after I really became irresponsible quiting jobs every other month so I could attend a guru program in some other corner of the country or even in Europe.

It's no wonder why my family was not very willing to help me financially to go back to college.  Heck, they didn't trust me.  And I didn't trust myself either.  And at that point in time I was 30 years old!  But I restrained myself and I didn't travel to every guru program.  Ok, on a practical level on a meager income of student loans and minimum wage jobs I could not fly off to Miami Beach with a short two week notice.  And I had final exams and term papers.  So, I made the necessary sacrifices to finish college, but I also felt that maybe I was on the wrong path in life because I wasn't fully committed to Maharaji because I was pursuing something for myself.

For me, I couldn't win.

So, when I read Livia's posts and Eileens I have doubts in myself.  Sure, I know that I've made mistakes in my life other than Maharaji.  But, I also know with great certainty that I am at least 10 years behind my peers due to my extended vacation from personal responsibility by following the Pied Piper of youth, Maharaji (aka Prem Rawat, Mr. Don't Bogart That Joint and Play That Peter Frampton Again.)

So, thanks RJ because Livia and Eileen's posts get me going on myself again that I'm just a no good lost soul who simply isn't good enough for anything in this life with their "Move On" junk that we've seen so many times on the forums.  Yet, as you point out they're just blaring their own horns - yeah, look at me!

And my purpose on these forums and websites is to help myself by saying what I think happened and to read the experiences of others to learn.  And to help others, especially young people who are highly impressionable who might fall into the same trap I fell into over 30 years ago.  Or as in the case of RJ, an older person who shows up at an "Inner Peace" discussion.

Thanks, RJ.