I am real, all too real at times, I am sure. By the very fact of my humanity, I am real and so can only be in a real relationship. In a real relationship, feelings will be hurt, even if unintentionally. Things are said or things which should have been said are not, these happen. My fear, though, is that as these normal things occur, my husband, involved in an imaginary relationship with rawat, will tend to think, "Maharaji would never say anything like that." "Maharaji would never hurt my feelings." Of course not! He can't, as he is not real. Any relationship that exists entirely in one's own mind will be perfect. The imagined other half in such a situation cannot be other than what the person doing the imagining wants them to be.

In this three way situation, my husband and rawat have what must seem to my husband, a perfect, smooth, peaceful togetherness. I sit outside of it, wondering what is happening. If he is hurt, he runs to rawat and all is well. If I am hurt, I am alone.

Of course, it's a perfect set-up for rawat. He can't lose. All things that happen in day to day living don't happen between rawat and his "lovers", unless they are unfortunate enough to actually be around him. (Those first-hand accounts of people who were close to rawat and then left are all discounted, by the way. The rationale is that the person just got mad at rawat and left and then tried to figure out a way to "hurt Maharaji.")

So, I struggle on to maintain a real relationship that I fear is being constantly compared, unfavorably, to this idealized, imaginary one with rawat. I wish I could describe this loneliness. It is unlike anything I could ever have imagined.

Now, before anyone writes back to say, "What the hell is wrong with you? Walk out on him! What are you, some kind of stupid?" , let me just ask you to please not say those things. I think them about a thousand times a day and find no help in them. My questions for myself are both simple and wrenching:
Can I live with this if it never changes? and Is it likely to ever change? To those, I have no answers yet. I love this man dearly. To watch him being used by rawat is nearly as painful as to watch my marriage seem to crumble while I look helplessly at it, trying to figure out what, if anything I can do.