My heart sank when I read that.
I never wanted to apply to be an instructor, but I had great respect for most - but not all! - of them. I've often described darshan - stooping to kiss the foot of another human being out of total submission and all the mental conditioning it takes to get there - as a severe assault on the core of my mental and emotional faculties. I doubt that many people (in western cultures) would disagree.
Speaking for myself, if I had been in the position of performing a knowledge session, I think it would've been just as damaging. Why? Because my understanding was that instructors were supposed to be empty vessels and clear conduits through which Maharaji's grace or spark could flow. In other words, there was no place for you in that room.
That would've made me even more steeped in it and closer to the toxic flame of that cult - you can't get much closer. It must've had quite an impact on you and I sincerely hope it had no lasting effects.
Protoss mentioned courage. Courage in that cult was defined as the moth that flew straight into the flame and allowed itself to be consumed as opposed to those that veered off at the last second. Remember that satsang staple?
Mental self-immolation popped into my brain, which is why my heart sank.
