Hi Cynthia,

thanks for responding. I did the same thíngs as you ...praying and begging I tried to internalize M. And when I discuss with people my view of this whole trip I can get very emotional and angry. But anger is a problem of itself. Sometimes I see people have to protect themselfs from anger. For example with my kids, sometimes they get too much angry about a friend or a teacher and as a father I can see that it is a weakness in my child to go on and forget, it's often not so important. I had the tendency to create a lot of anger for myself. John McGregor is a example that his anger let him in a situation that made things worse for him. I would like to have a proof to all my premie friends that M. is not worth to listen to, that noone should spent time for supporting his work, but as we know things are not so simple. Even if we would have clear evidence there would be still too many who will interpert it so, that they can hang on. It is a symbiotic affair between premies and M. Both partners get something out of this relation. Today I see more my part in this game and i have to forgive myself to get cured cause I still have the potential to fall in another symbiotic affair.

I watch this Forum since 2000. I think without this forum I would be kind of this oldimers who show up once a year at a programm, would feel still a little bit preveliged to have met the super duper incarnation of the century. But with the good information from ex-premie.org and those engaged ex-premies I would still hang between lust and disgust. So I went on. Often I wish I could express my unterstanding better and write some super analysis.....but there starts my problem again, I want to be someone special, I'm not contnet to be unique.

 There is something in me that wants to be thankfull, something that wants to give, to surrender. So many times in my life I realized: I fell in love too easiely. This can be abused by others maybe conciously or unconciously and today I think M did it both ways. I remember a satsang of a "Mahatma" that in former lifetimes we all were devotees of Jesus, oh man this was a romantic shot of love and I loved that dream and I manipulated my heart to believe it. On the other hand I knew that this is crazy but, but, a broken self needs things like that to dream on and ignore the need of growing and learning.

I was stupid, but know I know, that I can be stupid......that makes me a little bit wiser..............ciao......wolfie

Ps. Anger is okay and it can be expressed too, but I wish it will not last too long, life is too short.