Hi again,

I think that anger is a tricky emotion because in the western world, at least, people are taught that it's a bad emotion. It's not surprising, because it doesn't feel good to always be angry. It's not good for anyone to always be angry.  But, like any other feeling or emotion I don't think it's good to be always feeling one thing all of the time, no matter what it is.

That's what is wrong with how we were taught about Knowledge. I think that because Maharaji was telling us about his way to "constantly be in touch with your lifeforce and peace within..." that we as young premies became very unbalanced because there was no room in our lives to ever feel normal feelings, such as anger. 

There is something in me that wants to be thankfull, something that wants to give, to surrender. So many times in my life I realized: I fell in love too easiely. This can be abused by others maybe conciously or unconciously and today I think M did it both ways. I remember a satsang of a "Mahatma" that in former lifetimes we all were devotees of Jesus, oh man this was a romantic shot of love and I loved that dream and I manipulated my heart to believe it. On the other hand I knew that this is crazy but, but, a broken self needs things like that to dream on and ignore the need of growing and learning.

I feel the same way, because I fell in love with Maharaji so quickly and too easily, too.  I became fanatically "in love" with Maharaji.  Nothing was more important to me than him.  I used to believe what all of the Mahatmas said and why not?  They were the great saints and closest people to Maharaji and we were told we must believe what they said.  Nobody could get Knowlege without them!  They were Maharaji's messengers to aspirants and premies.  Whenever something was difficult to believe, I too, adjusted my thinking and my feelings and my thoughts. 

I take responsibility for doing that.  But, I wonder sometimes, how could Maharaji ever ask that of anyone?  To readjust my feelings and thoughts to conform to loving only him in my life was devastating to my personal growth and my mental health.  I know I'm not the only ex-premie who feels this way.