That`s a very good question Lexy…. In fact, I`d say it is the key question. The one I have asked myself time and time again. How did I come to make the decisions that I made which had such a profound impact upon my life and those around me ?

First, I`d like to say that I agree with Paddy that being in the cult was not all bad, for me at least. I feel that there were some aspects I enjoyed, the occasional feelings of oneness with the group, the various communal practices, the sense of common purpose, the smiling faces, but these things cannot justify the fundamental lie at the very heart and the serious implications of being in a cult. Though from the outset I never felt a `real`connection with the Lard himself, I did accept what others said with their apparent sincerity. But I always had my doubts, and I tried to work through them until it was just too painfully obvious that for me it was wrong.

Interestingly, I immediately turned to another guru who I felt was a far better teacher, or at least a far better speaker. I obviously had a strong need for a guide and to be part of a group at that time and Shree Rajneesh made a refreshing change from the Lard, though Bhagwan became a cropper in no uncertain terms during his brief sojourn to the West.

Anyway, back to your question… "How much of it was really our choice ?"

I think you are right about the fact that many of us coming from a Judeo-Christian background were ripe for the picking and easy targets for the `mission`. This young working class idealistic hippy dreamer from the North certainly was.

Thinking it through and seeing the wider context of all our social conditioning puts the cult experience into some kind of perspective and helps to heal the wounds and the confusion.

I`d like to suggest that your experience was entirely related to Maharaji because `offspring groups` were prevelant throughout the movement and included many ashrams and premie houses…. official or unofficial …all variations on the same theme. Willmot/Breathe sounds like a particularly pernicious character. You have my sympathy. I understand he is still active ?

I think Paddy has his own take on things… like everyone else. It is all so subjective aint it ?

Dave

PS… Chelsea eh ! You lucky girl.