At that point many premies began relationships together or outside the community, certain ashram secretaries fled the scene with ashram housemothers (our own ones ended up in a cottage in Wales), and so forth.

I myself began a deeply charged sensual relationship with a lodger in our premie house, which was really just doing what came naturally with much affection. I fell in love for the second time in my life. I attempted to introduce the lady to Maharaji, but she baulked after a couple of satsangs.

By the beginning of 1975, the premie community was in quite deep disarray. But we had only been following Maharaji's lead relationshipwise.

The lady in question decamped, leaving me in quite horrible disarray, as I had loved her, and under normal circumstances, this might have led to good things.

It was under these circumstances I attended Essen - as a classified non-practising premie, or barely practising one. I had no natural love at all for Maharaji, but was still completely looped in.

At Essen I knew I should love Maharaji above all things, but felt absolutely alienated. I attended the Event, when Maharaji first sat in his red Krishna costume with Durga Ji, full of several pints of strong German lager, and probably passed through darshan next day with a hangover.

Back home, the satsang was dysmal, people talking about Holy Name, yet no one really exhibiting this. The whole scene was characterised by about zero empathy between people, and petty arrogances.

At that point I met a woman who totally changed my life.

She was a person of conscience and balls. She signed up as an aspirant, and we lived together. She saved me from the pit of crapdom into once more being a man of discrimination, self-worth, ethics and freedom of thought.

I had had all of this before, but it had been corroded into about zero. By knowing her, I returned to my previous nature, and more.

I attended Rome 1977, and came back to become a fairly prominent person in the local scene, always interpereting Maharajism personally through my free conscience, Christian, Buddhist and generally good sensible viewpoints.

This lasted well for me till about the mid-90s, when the ethos of Maharajism being a totally self-enclosed egoistic phenomenon came to eclipse the fairly reasonably open-minded 1980s.

Yes, Essen was the total nadir of my whole existence, and I gladly forget it.

However, I remember from then the quite gloriousness of meeting a deeply human being of good conscience, and it is for her today I write this post. Yes, good Kath.

It is partially for her that I have ever written here about the need for personal values, a good conscience and free thought.