I agree, you never 'have to' do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but then over-riding 'your mind/conscience' (literally, the 'devil' in miragey's world) was what life as a devotee was all about, wasn't it?  I'm not sure if that's still the message, of course, but for at least 10 years it certainly was. That was the major message, really, the one with all the fear attached to it!  I couldn't do that (over-ride my conscience) when confronted with real people with real needs, and that's why I stopped doing service as an usher at any of the big programmes, where the pressure to become an unthinking agent of the party/guru's message was pretty strong.  (70s to early 80s.)

This is my second visit to the EPO message boards, I was going to post my journey the first time round, about a year ago (maybe more) but didn't feel ready to become an object of hate from the premies ('lovers') trawling the boards just then!   I've been thinking about it all again from a different perspective in the last week or so.  From what I've learned about human behaviour since leaving EV (hereafter referred to as 'the cult') I believe human beings are basically driven by two emotions, love and fear.  I consider miragey to be as much a victim of the personality cult of Guru Maharaj Ji , and as driven by a deep and probably unspoken fear, as any of us were/are.

M was an innocent child brought up in a personality cult, where he saw people worshipping his father as the Lord of the Universe!  He was handed the responsibility of being divine and taking over this whole enormous thing at the age of  8(?)!  He had no-one then to guide him, since there was no-one above him.  He was the supreme power.  What would that do to any child, especially one wanting to please a powerful/demanding father? How could he live up to this huge expectation, which as a child he must have taken completely seriously?  He was instantly promoted to a position of power way beyond his mother or three older brothers. The dynamics of his family relationships were reversed.  When I look at it like this, I see the totally irresponsible behaviour of  those mahatmas who declared him the next 'Lord'; but then, they were at least partly indoctrinated by this cult too, I suppose.  If you want to blame someone, where do you stop?  At Shri Hans' master, or his master before him - maybe all the way back to Krishna and Arjuna! I don't think this line of thinking gets us anywhere.

It always struck me as odd, after a couple of years of attending as many programmes with him as possible and trying to 'get it', that miragey almost always referred to 'Guru Maharaj Ji' - presumably referring to himself, sitting on that stage -  in the third person. He hardly ever said 'I will' do anything, or 'I give you grace' it was always 'Guru Maharaj Ji' or 'the Lord'.  I was never quite sure if he was referring to himself or thinking about his father - I think it was sign of a displaced /fractured identity,  where you believe two opposite things at the same time because you've comparmentalised your mind to make it possible.  I got the feeling most premies in those early days were longing for him to come right out and say it, because that was the message we were getting at all the satsangs, but actually it was rarely said by the man himself.  That was a constant frustration for me, since all the songs etc made it clear he was the Lord of the Universe and about to bring peace to the world!  I found sitting listening to him and looking at him took some mental gymnastics and interpretation - double-think - to put the two things together!  I found that quite wearing, come to think of it.

In psychiatry, split personalities are an adaptive behaviour of the mind, a way of coping with impossible demands and stress; it's how the personality manages to survive.   M's had to try to be divine since he was 8.  He's had his father's image to live up to.  I think he's been  insecure and out of his depth most of his life. Alcoholism/drug addiction,  bullying/controlling behaviour and refusal to accept any responsibility for anything  - classic symptoms of a  person unable to cope under emotional and psychological stress.  M exhibits them all.

Now I remember the accusatory tone of his speeches (after the language had been purged of Indian words!) That rang a gentle warning bell in me.  There was a time he never seemed to make a speech without blaming the people around him (PAMs) for being stupid or incompetent - these were the people who had given up their lives to serve him!  I remember thinking during several programmes how ungrateful he seemed, and wondered how those premies felt, sitting there being ridiculed in a not very affectionate way!  He seemed to enjoy getting cheap laughs, guaranteed  in programmes full of people who resented the PAMs and wanted to be in their shoes instead!  He gave the impression they were all a trial to him, that he was somehow noble to put up with them, and they were lucky he did, too. He also mentioned getting angry alot, and how one day he decided they didn't deserve him getting angry with them - he'd finally realised the toll anger took on his system, I think.

Seems to me the huge discrepancy between his persona as a teacher/wise person, and his actual behaviour towards his family and employees, is explained by a split personality - the response to fear/stress.  That's why it's fear, not love, which underlies his entire organisation and keeps it together.  If someone working for m, in his inner circle particularly, can ask themselves 'How much of the time am I truly happy/fulfilled? (that's what m's claiming to be teaching, after all!) and answer honestly, they might finally see the sad reality.  In any personality cult, you can only be happy (and safe!) if the boss is pleased with you.  The rest of the time you're afraid, feel inadequate, anxious, etc. etc.  Your life depends on one person's whim - premies have a peasant/king relationship.  (Wasn't he supposed to be freeing us by 'revealing Knowledge'?)  There was a very interesting Horizon documentary in the U.K on the U.S. Kabbalah cult last week. I superimposed all the elements of it over my early experiences as a premie in Divine Light Mission and  - surprise - they fit perfectly!

I have an idea.  Since the only thing which can comprehensively defeat fear - it's exact opposite, energetically speaking -  is love ( the energy of connecting, caring, understanding, and hope); attacking miragey for being weak/a hypocrite only makes him more afraid;  he knows the things that are said about him here are true!  And premies, connected to him and under his influence, are operating within an underlying aura of fear, too.  They naturally react defensively or aggressively to any criticism.  Under attack, it's natural to defend yourself,  but the brain's power to think rationally is severly diminished by the instinctive 'fight or flight' reactions - so calm discussion isn't really possible.

Rational arguments and untold megabytes of personal testimonies won't make a difference to anyone still emotionally  involved with miragey.  . So my new policy (on him and everyone involved with him) is to send my blessings, and my love!  To wish all caught up in this organisation/relationship well, and hope they find the resolution to their fears soon.  (I used to think sending blessings was something only the perfect master could do, but I have since discovered that's not the case!)  Our thoughts and intentions do have an effect on people. If you feel a genuine love and wish for their 'highest good', you're making it more possible for people to see their situation clearly.   We can all decide to be compassionate, to be more loving, to ourselves (by not dwelling on damaging negative emotions) and to others. I'd like to suggest to anyone reading this (rather long) post that maybe,  we could try pouring loving and compassionate thoughts towards miragey and his family/organisation/premies.  I think that will do more good, and bring about the end of this sad saga quicker, than any amount of justified criticism,  resentment, anger or even superbly reasoned argument!  Doing that is certainly a healing experience, anyway. 

There's rarely any real contact between premies and ex-premies that I've seen here;  there won't be as long as we perceive each other as 'enemies'/opposition.  But really, we're all just people who had high hopes and responded to the underlying truth the message there is a wonderful experience of peace, love and understanding within us.     Yeah, man! Groovy!  

Towards the end of my premie career, I was doing regular service at local video events (in Muswell Hill Friends' Meeting House) which I found increasingly boring. When I stopped going, after at least a year of regular attendance, not one of my fellow premies, with whom I'd done service and who I thought were friends, called to see if I was all right.   i mean, I might have had an accident or something!  I did have several calls from people I didn't know,  however, asking if I wanted to go to the latest fundraising event with Yoram Weiss!  They never introduced themselves, and sounded like they were reading from a script - they probably were, come to think of it!   It made me really aware of the unfeeling nature of miragey's mission.  They were just 'doing service' - for all the thanks they'll get!  When I was in hospital with cancer while still a premie, a local church group, who knew of me through my mother, were all praying for my recovery!   There's no ethos of care in m's organisation, and never has been! 

The love that people feel around/for miragey is a oneway flow - towards him!  It never comes back, it hardly gets out to our family or friends -he's like a black hole, demanding people's love and never being satisfied.  I think that's probably the second great reason for him doing events.  He may like the money, too, but being adored and revered by hundreds or thousands of people must be pretty hard to give up!  

The power of emotions to trigger the same feeling in others is a basic mammalian adaptive trait, designed to ensure survival of the herd!  We thought he was giving us the love - I think now it was the other way round, and he was feeding off us.

I admit I  was scared I'd lose my experience of love when I decided to leave him/the cult. I'd connected 'love' to miragey for so long; then I realised the blindingly obvious -  the very thing which makes miragey's message so attractive and powerful - there really IS a beautiful feeling of love within!  (and peace, joy, hope, as well as anxiety, depression and despair.)   But since it's within me, that means it's mine!  It's not his, to take away.

I still feel love, only now I direct it where I like, and much more generously.  I realise I'm capable of giving, not just receiving.  I give more love to my friends, my family and my pets, and anything and anyone else I choose.   Giving love and thinking loving thoughts feels very good!  Since becoming an ex-premie, the 'miracles' of synchronicity I used to attribute to m's 'grace' still happen - but more frequently.  I'm discovering all the things I thought he was the master of, for myself.  

I don't think ex-premies should confuse the great experiences of being a devotee (there were some, right?) with miragey.  They may be associated with miragey and the past, but they're actually a part of life, part of our emotional toolbox, and many people with different belief systems and practices enjoy these feelings, too.   Don't let miragey rob you of the fun and magic that are still yours.  The brain/mind/heart is a wonderful thing with much more to offer us than just sceptical, 'logical' or critical thought processes!   (see http://www.innerworlds.50megs.com for interesting experiments into spiritual experiences and the brain!)

Now there's no unapproachable guru confusing me with ever-changing messages and incomprehensible, contradictory instructions, I'm happy.  Yes, ironically, since leaving miragey,  I have discovered the peace within which eluded me under his tutelage!  As an ex-premie, you're free to discover what exactly your true potential is, and to express yourself.  You're free to start exploring the power of your mind, beliefs, feelings, in your own way, without having to hold two conflicting messages/concepts in your brain!  You're free to be loving and  honest - if you want - to make a difference to the world without a hidden agenda. You're free to be a genuine, human being  That's what being involved with miragey took away from me, and now it feels good to have my freedom back.