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| Re: I was heartbroken and yes, furious, when he married |  | ||
| Re: I was heartbroken and yes, furious, when he married -- Aquinas | Top of thread | Post Reply | Forum |
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Thank you for such a poignant post, Acquinas. As I mentioned, i was also deeply affected by that unexpected marriage. I'd just taken a lifetime vow of poverty, chastity and obedience and suddenly the person to whom I'd made that vow did the exact opposite in such a jolting way. On top of that, the sudden notion of Marolyn a/k/a Durga Ji as "our mother" was softly nauseating. "I just sort of rewrote my fantasy to allow me to accept that he was still God, playing his lila and that I just had to 'surrender' more." Me to. Or, as the GPS in my car says, "Recalculating." Your post made me think of a few other events that affected me: Prem Rawat instructed ashrams to be prepared for him to drop by unexpectedly at any time. We set aside the largest bedroom and an attached bathroom and did a costly renovation just for him. Other ashrams did the same thing. After all that, he never once visited any of them. As much as I use my "put out on the road" schtick (although it's true) when describing the ashram closings, I wasn't upset that they closed. It was obvious they had to close because of all the mental, emotional and financial hardship we were enduring. What upset me was 1) his utter negligence in allowing them to fester and deteriorate so much and then ignoring them for so long; and 2) the cold, abrupt, unplanned, mismanaged and grossly incompetent - cowardly - way in which he went about it. It was the exact opposite of the way he expects premies to serve him! Not jumping off that table and continuing to dangle your feet when he walked in (acting normal!) reminded me of something I did near the end of my cult days. I never drank when attending events until the last big event at the Miami Beach Convention Center. I didn't know it, but I was beginning to drift. After the morning session, I did the unthinkable. I quaffed a 16 oz. Bud from a corner store on my way to the afternoon session and took an empty seat in the top row of the back bleachers, about as far away as I could get. When Prem mocked and belittled the people in the front row for whatever reason, I stood up and waved my arms in a silent cheer. I guess my hostility towards the snooty elites showed a bit. (Lord knows I suffered under them!) I caught his eyes for sure. Like you, and for the first time in more than thirty years, I didn't behave in a cowering, subservient and reverential manner. Like casually putting your hands in your pockets instead of folding them neatly over your crotch like you see in so many photos of Prem around premies.  Thanks again.
Modified by lakeshore at Sun, Oct 01, 2023, 12:15:46 |
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