I have posted before the last darshan I remember I sobbed afterward because I thought he looked bored and angry and didn't know who I was no real connection.

I am not sure if that was the one where I was Jagdeo on the way in or not. 

I was looking through old photos the other day. I have a photo wearing a dress holding my older son, and I remember my mother in law teased me and said "what do you want to do 'make' the guru?" I wasn't familiar with the term, but I took it to mean seduce or something.  The comment really was upsetting to me. So I must have gone to a festival after I left. I think I blocked it out. I wonder if I went through darshan? I doubt I would have, but I was very wobbly those years deconstructing in and in a terrible marraige. I know I went to a Holi with my ex and baby as have some photos I am not too proud of that either. ( baby has the Holi colors on him) I do recall I sat way way way back. And he was too young to remember. 

My break was not as clean, literally, as I wish it were.