It was years (decades even) ago that I drifted away too, and yet when I found this forum and EPO in '98 it was like I'd re-connected with a part of myself that hadn't really dealt with the trauma of exing from premiedom. It turned out to be a both a challenge and a release to eventually face a number of trips that I'd allowed to hide under the carpet for so many years. Better late than never, I guess.

You talk about getting into a cult and how "It really has helped me to understand and recognise ideology and its insipid nature...Something too about misplaced love, and maybe we do need devotion: but to what?.

Yes, there are positives to be gained even from the unlikeliest of situations. Being of an empathic nature myself (well, at least some of the time), I often find myself sitting on a fence that can (at times) be seen as excusing behaviour that is beyond the pale, when it comes to ultimate values. Did I say ultimate values? Wow, and to think how hard Prem Pal, DLM and EV worked to rid me of those! Perhaps the damage goes deeper than we know.

I left in the mid 70s. Then ran straight into the arms of another cult - the Rajneeshis, which lasted another few years. And yet I still haven't really worked out what it was that attracted me to both cults initially. The "love-bombing"? Well the premies of that time had a very persuasive aura of messianic fervour which was out of all proportion to anything I had encountered before. And then, as a Rajneeshi, though the messianic trip was a bit more mellow (in the late 70s at least), the clincher was that sex was encouraged. No contest, I guess!

But both Rawat and Rajneesh, though they appealed to different parts of my nature, filled what I saw as a gap in my psyche at the time.

You talk of "Misplaced love" and "needing devotion to ..."?

Perhaps it was as much a juvenile form of attention-seeking on my part. The assumed credit from thinking "my guru's got it - therefore so have I" might have something to do with it.

As for talking to people still involved ... well, that's us, ain't it?

Anyway, thanks for coming forward and giving your angle on things, spitz. It all goes toward helping to make sense of a pretty weird situation, in the long run.