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Janet;
"i got an unexpected apprenticeship in the early 90's on where we go after death and what awaits us on the other side. out of this came the ability to send my attention to that plane when it was called for, to learn of things and of people and events over there when knowing them consciously would help, down here .
i have a friend and partner in this, who is back living at my house again, these days, who went thru it all with me, when it was happening to us both, and it seems we are meant to be working together in it again, thanks to this.
Stepan is over there, all right, but i would not describe his state of being as happy or free. he's found out the incontrovertible truth that committing suicide as he did solves nothing, and indeed, it makes your way harder. he's discovered that he's taken along all the same problems with him that he was wrestling with, here, plus the new, added sorrows and complications that come with the reality that he isn't here anymore, to be in the world with the people he was with in life.
where he is, is comparable to a person who makes a grave suicide attempt in this world, and is taken to a mental hospital to be watched and cared for, under a medical and psychological eye. he gets counseling. he's in isolation there, being given time in solitude to chew on all that he did, and periodically checked on and questioned by interviewers that my friend and I have come to refer to as The Guardians or the Karmic Board. The kid is confused, sad, sorrowful, can't give good answers to a lot of the things he's been asked about, and they are going to hold him like that for however long it takes, until they can decide what he needs next. He might stay 'in the hospital', they might send him to rehab, they might put him in a 12 step group with others who committed suicide, or might try some other measure, trying to help him come to grips with what he did. They have everything we have, here, and then some. It is basically the world you go to in your dreams. The movie "what dreams may come" was a good representation of it.
No one from here is allowed to make contact with him yet, nor he with us. He's too new, too raw, too confused and unready for it.
We were shown that he was indeed taken up by a group of relatives who'd gone before him, all of whom were deeply diappointed that he ended his life so soon like this. but they have to wait like all the rest of us, while he sits in the White Room and contemplates his life and his death and answers to the Guardians when they come in to see him.
When we ask, we are told that I am not to beat myself up for this happenning; that this was not my doing. This was stepan's doing. They tell us that before he incarnated into this life as my son and david's, he was sure he could handle taking on the conditions he would be given in this life, but he underestimated the possibility of the mental illness appearing in the genetic material he would get, and was having more and more trouble handling it as it evolved. he didn't earnestly study what he might have to deal with, he just thought he could handle it. call it an unrealistic confidence, relying on too big an ego, and not enough serious research beforehand. they tell me that I had the sufficient experience and understanding to handle it; it was he who couldn't.
but happy? no. not right now. and not for quite some time. not by a long shot. homeboy is staring into a long spell of confinement and profound examination. for his own restoration, not to mention what he did to all of us who loved and wanted him to be with us down here. |
