Hi Nya,

I'm really interested in this topic as I have had a 'devotional' nature since I was a small child. I was raised in a liberal protestant church and converted to catholicism when I was 18, to get married. What I liked about the Catholic church at the time was kneeling, taking the host, crossing myself...sort of devotional gestures...I felt like I was making a connection to God or something. Of course after two years, I was in college and took mescaline in the woods, had another 'mystical experience' and then went to mass and walked out and never went back!! The marriage ended a year later. But that longing to connect with a higher power was still there so when I met M, it fit right in and I played right into the whole thing. It gave me ritual, connection, some emotional experiences, a dysfunctional father figure to be in love with, etc etc...

So now that I have left...(about 5 months now, after 30 years in)...I am examining that devotional part of me, that is still there, to see what to make of it...if my French was better, I might go over to that forum!! I have had many, what I call 'existential crises' this year as I search for a way to find meaning. I am happy to report that 'real life' is becoming very fulfilling and exciting and I find solace in nature. I am watching those needs pass through me, like waves, when they come and am not feeling the need to act on them or lean into any new experience or person. I am accepting that I am an emotional being and that is ok. I transfer my devotional feelings  to mother earth and find comfort in sitting in nature and soaking it up. Maybe I will be a Druid!! Maybe I'll just be me...