I think that there is something so fundamental in the act of giving yourself away to a guru, that it is urgent that you go back to the earliest moment when the idea of such self abandonment first seemed reasonable to you, and then isolate and concentrate on that tendency in yourself. The "secret friend", "god" mentality, the promise that the master/god/secret is "yours " is such a concealed and destructive notion, it is imperative that you get a handle on it asap ; specifically where, when, how it arose in you, how it grew, where it hid, who sugessted it to you etc, all in specific moments. Otherwise you start repeating the behaviour in various didguises.
I think "going back" is a fair description of this process of going foreward if you see what i mean.
What I see at the moment among certain lifer premos is a gradual refining of the memory on K and associated atitudes, doctrines and actions until all is calmed into a meaningless, relativisitic status quo. IMO the uderlying motive for such a slush creating process is clearly terror!
The horror of realising that you might have given own life away,(Oh My God! What have I Done!?) and the dread of having to go back and battle for its return.
One name one life IMO. My name is Bryn, and there should be no others in my life-no Prem Pal pushing a swing, no God, no "Jesus" no mysterious "other" secretly riding shotgun. It has taken me a while to appreciate this idea!
I am not on the internet, and only check in sporadically, so sorry for not entering into dialogue much. I just wanted to give voice.
Love Bryn
