...well, I thought the same about myself, but here I am again locked into the endless wheel of samsara. I'm fucked if I know why that is, but it probably has something to do with my Judeo/Christian mental architecture which Rawat never managed to extinguish,& its imperative to see truth as objective.

I'm not saying 'blameable' but we took a risk in that we laid ourselves open and took an 'initiation' that in most people's book would be a downright weird, if not reckless thing to do.

What's all this 'We' shit. Why exactly did you decide to go for it?

For myself it was pretty straightforward. Someone who claims he can show you God can either do it, in which case he is the Incarnation, or he can't, in which case he's a fraud.

I bullshitted my way into a K session with Moni Bai, just before the cult tightened up the entrance procedure, in order to find out. The result was utter confusion. During the light initiation I remembered that I'd last seen the golden doughnut whilst a baby in the pram. That convinced me it must be true. The Holy Name freaked me out completely; it seemed to me, that to concentrate on that to the exclusion of all else, would be like staring at a whitewashed wall for the rest of your life,but of course it would have to be attempted.

GMJ was in the next room, & afterwards when everyone else lined up to go in there & give thanks, I slipped out down the stairs because I was frightened of the living god & my reaction to his presence. Trying to reconcile these things screwed up my youth.

I always resisted the 'cult', & it's taken the ongoing intelligence of many posters, particularly Cynthia, for me to realise that I was even a member of one in the 1st place.

I also have to be honest here and say I didn't feel disappointed intially after receiving K.

Well, this is the thing. Whatever this meditation is, whether it is good,bad,or neutral for the individual, it does have an effect. My own experience with it,is that I'm better off without it,others would maybe disagree; nevertheless, it must be true that the prospect of getting the ultimate high was the big draw.

Weren't you young once Livia?