Most of us think we are just these rational beings, and we see ourselves and others acting on a rational basis all the time, but in reality, I don't think that's true.  We react a lot on a gut level, from powers and emotions that are well below the level of rationality.  Premies call this "heart," if it's positive, and "mind" if it's negative, but  I think I would call it emotion, joy, fear, self-hatred, and stuff like that.  Most of that goes way back to our childhood and a lot of it probably were motivators that got many of us to believe in Prem Rawat and the magic beans he was offering to get us away from the down sides of those things, fear, self-hate, etc.

But, in reality, none of that went away when we got knowledge, we just repressed it down and felt guility for ever entertaining it, and instead of fearing rejection from our parents or whoever, we began to fear rejection by Prem Rawat.  Premies blame themselves when things aren't going the way they are supposed to, and as you say, they are terrified that they will fall off the path and lose what they believe is a "connection" to Prem Rawat.  I call him the "imaginary friend" because that's pretty much who he is.

You can lay on him all your hopes, but mostly premies lay on him the idea that he will save them from what they fear, which I think is rejection, lonliness, a kind of banishment to some desolate world where there is no love or happiness.  I think that's why premies freak out so much when ex-premies point out that the Rawat isn't wearing any clothes, that knowledge is really just a way of thinking and some jargon and that there is no there, there.  It's also why they can get so blissed out at events, because, well, the Big Indian Hope is right there in front of them, and what they feel, as I have said many times, is relief.  It feels great, joyful and peaceful because it's easy then, with all those premies, to believe and be reassured that Rawat actually knows you, cares about you, protects you, and loves you.  So, if you believe that, what a relief, because besides being there, he's also supernatural and can do something about it.    That feels good.  I know, I've felt it.  But the thing is, the thing they are being "relieved" of, that fear, was actually instilled by Prem Rawat and his dualistic belief system in the first place.

So, I really feel for people like your wife, because I spent a lot of time feeling that fear.  I know what it's like.  It's awful.  And, like Will says, it's so unnecessary.  When I felt it, I used to pray to Prem Rawat (remember when he said we should pray to him?), I tried to practice knowledge more and harder, and I looked forward to the next festival so he could reassure me that I didn't need to be afraid, which happend, but he usually also told me I should be very much afraid, that my mind was evil and that I owed him everything and that I had a duty to have this "experience" and devote my life to him, none of which I could ever do.  So, see, I was set up to feel ever more dependent on him, desperate for him to help me to save me from all that fear.   This cycle kind of held together for awhile and for some reason it stopped working.  At some point I didn't get the relief anymore. I just have to say, that I am so, so, so glad I got away from that when I did, and I really feel for people who were in it for a lot  longer than I was.

So, that's what I felt when I read John's post.  It wreaked of fear, and was like somebody pleading for life, to be saved, to just be allowed to live.  It was the far extreme of what exists so much in a cult.  To me, it's really horrible because it's so subtle.  The fear is very real, yet a cult member is programmed to think they are lucky and happy.  It just gives me the creeps to think about it, but mostly it's just very sad.

Sometimes this feeling enters my conscience: when contributing actively to this forum, a fear creeps into me that something bad will happen to me. Sort of like Rawat will punish me for being a Rawat adversary.

Well,  that's just about the best example I can think of of the fear.  And you just have to see it as unreal, because it is.  It's absolute nonsense, and the way to destroy it is to bring it up to the light of day and kill it, because it isn't real.

In 1997, I was told, by a premie that there was a new website where ex-premies were posting, and people were connecting up again.  I had been out of the cult for like 12 years at that point, and hadn't really thought about it for years.  But when I went to post, to make a comment, I felt this incredible fear, this bizarre terror, that something awful was going to happen.  It really threw me for a loop.  And I just had to stop and look at what the hell that was because it made absolutely no sense.  Of course, once I challenged it was gone, as most of our inner demons are.

I remember after I left the cult my friend Joy and I went to an "ex-members" group for former cult members.  There were former moonies, premies, some weird christian groupts, etc.  Anyhow, I remember they said that even after you get away from exposure to the cult, the "tapes" (that's what they called them), keep running in your head, in a continuous loop, so you continue to react to the programming you have.  It isn't like you can just walk away and that's it and deal with it by thinking it through, because it isn't happening on a rational level.  And so there is some work involved to recognize the tapes and then shut them down.   These fears are like the monsters that were under the bed when you were a kid.  When you turn the light on, and if you dare look (and it is REALLY hard to do it) it just vanishes, and so does all the fear.  That's what those tapes are like, and that's what that fear is.

I personally think EPO and the Forum can be excellent for that because there is support and people are all different so you can get all kinds of perspectives.

It sounds like you wife is really loaded down with the fear that the Rawat cult instills, and I'm sure that's hard for you to see.  I think you just have to let her come to her own way to deal with that, and all I think you can do is love her, support her, and just show her by example that you are perfectly happy without knowledge and you don't want to live in that kind of fear.  Because really, who does?

Premies will say and think all kinds of things about ex-premies.  I thought the same things when I was in the cult.  I felt sorry for them, felt superior and luckier than them, felt they were blowing it, and of course, they were reminders that I might blow it too, and hence all the fears that surrounded that.  And it isn't surprising that your wife thinks ex-premies are going to hell, because Prem Rawat said so, reprehensible, and dispicable as he is for saying that.  So, I didn't want to be around ex-premies, because the biggest fear of a premie is DOUBT.  It makes the whole house of cards fall apart.  They know deep down how fragile it is, and so it scares them. I was scared too.

As for ex-premies being "banished" for doing something wrong, well, I guess that's another rationalization.  I just walked away one day, nobody banished me, but once I made the decision to leave, I was pretty much abandoned by most premies.  I don't think they hated me, it's like you say, they feared me, and not even me so much, my willingness to no longer go along with the secret code language and thninking outside the box of the cult.  It's okay for somebody who doesn't have knowledge to do that, but for a premie, for another premie to do that, is very frightenting.  It cuts to the core of the ultimate nature of what knowledge and the Perfect Master are supposed to be about.

And I know what you feel about getting the creeps at a Rawat event.  The last time I went I was so grossed out at the way the premies went gaga over him, and I couldn't wait to get out of there.   So, I would say, let your wife go and just stay away from it.  I fear that if you push your wife too much, you might drive her further into the cult.  You might get some professional advice as well.  I would, if I were you.