It has been many years but I recall feeling much that you are speaking of. I can totally see how you might not feel that safe here. There used to be a recent ex's forum, I am not sure if it still exists, but it is not quite as much for all the world to see as this one, and people in general try to be supportive to one another. Some things I would suggest are: get some of the general cult recovery books, I like Steve Hassan's books, others have their own favorites, but reading about the general feelings of people exiting cults helps. I also think it is important to try to keep your life right now as stable as you can. Something really big just changed,and you may be tempted to make other changes. I would say, for awhile, if you can, try to keep other things familiar. I mean like where you live, your job, your family. Something big is sinking in. I would do as many treats for yourself and things you find pleasurable as possible. If you like massages, or warm oatmeal, comfort foods, whatever you find healing. If you can find a therapist who is familiar with cult recovery issues that would be cool. Your job is to take care of Lexy as she gets through this time in her life. Take care of yourself the way you would your child. Honor that you have had a loss of a sort. I know I did. You are going to grieve, as people all do from a profound loss, and you will heal. If you haven't hooked up with anyone here live and in person you might want to. Even hearing a voice, rather than written words, can be helpful. Meeting someone is nice too. If you are in the US I would be thrilled to talk with you just private message me and we can do that. As to the friend and protector, it is kind of like the wizard of Oz, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, it was within you had all the things you thought you were getting from him all along. But, to not acknowledge that you have had a loss would be a lie, it may have been within you all along, but you felt you loved someone who loved you, and it wasn't true. I know I thought M knew who I was, and "loved" me. So of course that was a loss. I would encourage you to not try to "replace" the hole left by m with any person or religion right now. People can make disastrous decisions trying to make that pain go away, and get themselves in another hole to did out of. I made very bad decisons right after I left, I felt anything but grounded.

If you have questions about our experiences right after we left I think most everyone here would be happy to talk about it. If you have people you feel a connection with maybe private message too, if you want to feel less public.

Good Luck and hang in there!