"I have come here entirely off my own bat, on a WHIM..."  -gok

Hi.  Call me San.  I humbly suggest that you search heart deeply and very honestly for what is behind that big pink thing up top of this post.  When you get some feedback from yourself about what is behind the Big Pink, let me know.  That is the key to alot of stufff you need to know about yourself, us and Mr. Rawat.  And the more honest you put it out, the more honest you'll get it back.  Not to suggest that you are dishonest, not at all.  I am merely saying don't bullshit yourself with light substitutions for deep things.    

It's OK for now that you put it all into Big Pink, but it's way more than just a

"sudden fancy or notion; freakish or capricious idea or desire..." -Thorndike Barnhardt Dictionary for 'whim'    .....wouldn't you agree??? 

I think you are deeper than that and that you are made out of stronger stuff than you suggest.  I look forward to hearing from you.  Take care.