I was in the assram when I was 21 until I was about 27 or so. I hung around a few more years unsure of my steps in the 'real world'.

Your post made me look back on the lost opportunities to engage in several love relationships.

First, understanding that gay lifestyle is already a hidden lifestyle by most, meeting and falling in love are already hard enough due to society's inability to accept the fact that 2 males or 2 females can in fact love each other the same as 2 hetero's.

I recall having met a guy back in 1980 or so that fell completely in love with me and I him. I met him while taking the bus to a job every day. I was in the assram at the time and feeling very conflicted about pursuing a relationship that benefitted me on a personal nature. I recall thinking I was being 'selfish' to even consider my own happiness.... then on the other side thinking that this guy I met was a gift from m to me and that I was being blessed to meet a kindred spirit.

We 'dated' several months and really enjoyed each other's company... although he couldn't figure out why I was so adament about not engaging in any sexual activity. This went on for several months and I was torn about moving out of the assram and proclaiming my love for him or ending our relationship ASAP.

Well... in the end my fantasy of m being there for me above all others let me give up the promise of that relationship. I recall during a most intense time when I was about to move out and pursue my lover.... I came home from work that day to find a box waiting for me. Curiously I opened it and found a note from m expressing his best wishes and inside the box was his white suit. (I am short and the suit fit almost perfectly).

Well that was it.... my decision was that m in fact was aware (fantasy and delusion) of me and my life and I broke off the relationship.

I lasted in m's world another 4 years or so and have to this day wondered ...what if?

Anyway... thankfully I have been disengaged from m for 20 years and now find my life to be more rich and fulfilling. I have had 3 very serious relationships yet no one (yet) that I am prepared to settle down with and marry(?).

Was I permanently damaged? I don't think so. I am quite content and despite having lost those years of youth, feel wiser and more stable now than ever before in my life. I guess the only thing I missed out on was the incredible youthful sex and the firmer bodies that 20 something year olds have!!!