Really eMpathE - that is everything?

I received knowledge when I was 16. I had read 'Brave New World', and '1984' and a bit of philosophy and had come to the conclusion that enlightenment lay in learning to control the mind. I had the impression that I could and should stop thinking! At the time, what M was advertising at the time seemed to fit the bill.

I was an ardent premie for the next five years. I meditated a lot -- some of it was dull, some of it was nice, and occasionally I experienced incredible light, hearing celestial orchestras and experiencing deep meditative states for hours and so on. However, I still felt that I was just playing around the edges, even on those days when the call came through from M (when his wife was about to give birth) that all premies should meditate all day.

One day I decided to stop playing with it. I did nothing but meditate for a month (except eat, sleep - just a little - and of course, go to satsang). At first, I spend quite a bit of time thinking that I should get on with other things. Later, I found myself reliving childhood events with great clarity. Eventually, I found myself sitting in near silence (with respect to the almost continuous internal narrative). I don't think it's possible to stop thinking -- but you can separate yourself from it so that it becomes a little voice somewhere in the distance. At one point, towards the end of this period, I became afraid that I might do some permanent damage to my mind and become unable to think normally. However, I put this aside -- it felt almost suicidal, surrender perhaps.

Anyway, without a doubt I had that experience referred to as samadhi. Light, music, all that -- I felt myself expanding in every direction. I felt as if I could experience every particle within me, and every particle was full of joy just to be in existence and that the more I expanded the more of this joy I could contain. I don't know how long this lasted -- not long.

This was the experience I had been aiming for for years. I remember M once answered a question about 'realising knowledge' and he talked about feeling himself expanding everywhere and so on.

So, here I was, a realised soul! Enlightened! You know what? It left me with more questions than answers. If the whole universe was designed for us to experience this experience, what was all this physical stuff for? Arms, legs, night and day, blue sky and Christmas? And what was M for? He had nothing to do with it. This was a personal experience entirely inside me -- there was nobody there helping me!

This was the first time I experienced samadhi, but not the last. It is still available now, but I don't bother. Bliss? No thank you. Does that sound strange to you? You know, there is more to life than feeling good. Masturbation feels good too, but I don't spend all my time perfecting that art either. There are more important things in life.

Along with the bliss there was a deep sense of meaning - it is hard to describe, but it is the opposite of when you are depressed and you can't find meaning in anything. I think this kind of experience lies behind the founding of religion and cults. The interpretation of the meaning of the experience depends upon the cultural context, and so the grand variety of religions. Who knows? If I had a charisma injection and a little ambition perhaps I too could have become a perfect master! I could be in the money, helping people who think too much, and who think too much of themselves.