HI Zonk,
It sounds like you are hurting in a big way. Do you have the support you need in your personal life to get through this? If not let the folks here help in what ever way we can. If you are new to the ex-ing out process, let me say that it was horrid for me for a few months. With the help of close friends and some therapy, I got through it and now I feel GGGGGRRRREEEAAATTTTTT!!!! Really, I am so much better than when I was in the cult. There really is life after rawat, and that life is good.
Perhaps some people here on the forum can outline steps that a person typically goes through. Maybe it is similar to the stages of dying... anger, denial, acceptance, etc. I think fear is a big emotion in ex-ing out, as rawat used fear to keep us bound to him. Once you can see some these emotions for what they are - things "planted" by rawat to keep you bound to him, they no longer have power over you. Then comes the anger! That anger is very justified.
I wish you the best in this process. I wish you all the support you need. If I can help more, give me a private message, and we can correspond via email.
Karen
