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Where does this kind of thinking come from? Why do I have it? How can I get rid of it, or at least minimize the kind of damage this kind of thinking does to the quality of my life, and to those around me? Because other people get hurt too, when I am unable for all the above reasons, to be honest with them.
I think it comes from parenting -- and I think it's most common in families with addictions. It's the sort of defense of fading away, of being diplomatic and avoiding the prospect of not pleasing people. And for me, at least, the antidote is to be aware of it, and to learn that my feelings are just as valid and valuable as anbody else's. Actually, I have learned about a lot of this in relationships I have had, some good therapy, etc.
But there is a flip side to that. You are probably very empathetic of other people because you are the way you are. I think I am, too. So, when I was in the cult, especially during the fire and brimstone, "surrender or die" period, I could see the damage being done to other people, but I couldn't see it in myself. That was a huge drip. I could see other premies being extremely miserable, being in a really unhealthy environment (like the ashram), taking abuse, fighting with their own personal natures, etc. That made me really question Malibu Prem and the whole cult.
And like you, I was instilled with a strong sense of justice and fair play, especially from my Father, and so that really offended some deep values I had. Not for me, but for others. It was just so unfair and unjust when ashram premies in the cult example, were exploited and abused, as they were. It tended to be the most vulnerable premies, the ones who could least stand up for themselves. Others, who could do that, often took advantage of the situation and them. That offended my values, and it was hard to recover from that. So, I could no longer play the game. First, I just dropped out of the official cult (I was a community coordinator and I just went and got a job), and I lost all interest in being an upwardly mobile cultmember.
Then, I lost faith in Malbu Prem, then I began to observe him objectively (with some help), and then it was over, in like 15 minutes. Never a chance to go back after that.
Yes, I agree that Rawat is a good manipulator. He is fire and brimstone God, so that when he is nice to someone, maybe even acts a little humble, or childlike, they feel so spectacularly special and privileged and they see it as the most incredible love and "gift." Rawat knows how to manipulate that and the poor premie does not recognize it as manipulation, or how much of their power they have given over to him. Then, Rawat also knows how to set one premie against another, which he often does as well, always keeping the premies around him aware that he could dump them and there would be another cult member very glad to take their place. It's very sick.
The guru/devotee relationship is always pathological, and it's always authoritarian. I don't know if you have read "The Guru Papers," but I highly recommend it. That book really helped me to see how sick that relationship is, even if you never actually are around Malibu Prem, except at big programs.
Also, some people around Rawat undoubtedly have other motivations, like money, feeling powerful, feeling "successful," and of course fear of missing the ultimate opportunity, or so they believe.
Modified by Joe at Wed, Aug 24, 2005, 12:51:29
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