I enjoyed reading your post. I can totally relate to much of what you write about. I particularly like -

"I think that kind of behavior comes from a lack of confidence in your own perception -- that your perception of reality might well be wrong, and that you aren't entitled to, or feel guilty having, your own personal, survival and happiness as your goal and that really, you aren't entitled to your own feelings and thoughts. It's like you are supposed to be selfless, and you need somebody else to tell you what reality is."

Where does this kind of thinking come from? Why do I have it? How can I get rid of it, or at least minimize the kind of damage this kind of thinking does to the quality of my life, and to those around me? Because other people get hurt too, when I am unable for all the above reasons, to be honest with them.

Gotta find a way to beat this.

Fo me too, there was no gradual fading away. There was a strong wave of anger and fed-up-edness, that got subsumed; and then a year later, the unbridgeable dam of anger, and the whole fucking thing was done in probably the space of an hour or two. But the process leading up to it was extensive, and fueled by an extremely generous and forgiving sequence of events that allowed for my possible misreading of things many many times over. Like you, once the threshold of tolerance was exceeded, it ended very dramatically, and very quickly.

I am very grateful that a good basis for fairplay was instilled in me by my parents, and instilled deeply, because without that ever fainter counterpoint against the sickening predations of Maharaji I may not have had the mechanism to finally reject his dark and life draining shadow.