I no longer practice knowledge, but still keep in touch with what goes on with premies

I still meditate most days but don't keep in touch with premies or Maharaji (apart from a few good friends). Suits me fine.

and don't have any regrets about time "wasted."

In retrospect I view my time in the ashram as largely 'wasted' for the following reasons. I think that, if anything, the ashram lifestyle actually did nothing to 'improve' or 'amplify' my experience of Knowledge (in terms of an internal feeling in meditation). I was not happy for many reasons in that place - maybe largely because I was, what, 20 years old and told I should be a celibate monk for life, also I had to give up all my passions and free will. Instead I was sent to various provincial towns in England and simply put to work in various highly unsuitable and boring jobs (I was discouraged from doing things like 'music' which I was talented at, because I was too attached etc.). I was reduced to an obedient automaton and it felt awful.

As a matter of fact my experience of meditation was always much better when I was happy and living a normal life and not having to worry about sacrificing myself on his altar. The constant sastsang, service thing just felt like a process of being squashed into a kind of non-existence. That would have maybe been ok if the promises that Maharaji would 'look after you' etc. and (I admit) all my Christian expectations of a 'loving Lord who looked after his brood', had been true. But they weren't true. Maharaji proved that he really did not care for us individually and he was most certainly not 'all-seeing'. His 'grace' theories seemed conspicuously flawed too. There was no golden reward of realisation or deep experience awaiting those who gave their lives, nor was there any 'getting closer to Maharaji' priviledges. If anything I saw less of him after joinng the ashram.

Now INSTEAD of spending that time in the ashram (which I really did ONLY because that was his agya (remember 'agya=order) I could have been building for the future in practical ways and having the normal nice life that guys of that age can and should. Did Maharaji subject his own children to this kind of barren subservient joyless lifestyle? Has he ever given ANYTHING materially up in the way he had us do? NO WAY!
Don't forget that at that time Maharaji spent his time yelling at us how we SHOULD do this and that - I mean we ALL had to sing that song Arti every night where the words drummed into you how you should OBEY the master's every word. It's no great surprise that (as someone put it) all us sincere seekers were 'hoovered up' by Maharaji's supposedly ego-destroying but HIGHLY dysfunctional Ashram system. My judgement is that, put bluntly, if Maharaji had not imposed the ashram on me I would be the better for it in many ways - financially, emotionally and mentally.

I feel sorry for the people on this forum who say they are here to help people move on, yet they cannot move on themselves.

I don't know what others think about me but I feel I have moved on. I don't think I do post here to help anyone - it's simply to express my feelings which have not changed. If moving on means not having any feelings to express then I haven't and have no wish to move on. In most practical respects I most certainly have though. Are we supposed to just forget about our past? No doubt that would suit the revisionists just fine. There is NO shame (like some seem to feel there should be) in debating and/or passionately dissecting our shared past experiences of life. Usually it's people who are too scared to even look at the prospect of their own 'moving on' who berate people who do take the trouble to try and look at and learn from the past.

This was not some great conspiracy to make Maharaji a rich man - at least it didn't start out that way.

No it wasn't a conspiracy it was a proudly announced goal! There most certainly was an unashamed agenda to make Maharaji a rich man. The richest! No doubt about it. Don't you remember how premies would say that the Lord deserved the best the world had to offer etc? I remember being slightly bothered (as an impoverished ashram premie) how the enormous wealth even benefitted maharaji's extended family. Raja Ji would race up and down the road in Reigate like a spoiled kid in his multi-thousand pound blue Lambourghini Contache whilst we watched in mute and pathetic respect. Then we would jump to his whims and spend the weekend maybe fitting the most expensive new phone system to his top-of-the-range Range Rover (which he only used when in the UK). Did you ever see the cars? There was a garage in the country around here with Maharaji's collection of expensive cars. Mind boggling. Maharaji always had all the money and we had NOTHING. That was just plain wrong. Who gave him the money? We did! Whilst Maharaji garnered respect and wealth from his followers over the years, his 'disrespect' and contempt for his followers seemed to proportionately increase. I even heard Maharaji say (talking to us after being given a BMW for his birthday in LA) "You will NEVER own one of these!" and he sounded proud to put people's materialistic potential down in this way. I think Maharaji was actually very surprised when lowly premies made something of their lives and was kind of uncomfortable with 'devotees' or 'ashram premies' who were successful . I detected that you were either a 'poor' devotee type or a rich or 'interesting worldly person' he could hang with (get pissed with, crack off-colour jokes with etc.) and not much in-between. If you weren't in one or the other box he looked confused. I felt he was like that with me. I only eventually met him when I'd come to his attention as a quite successful person. I was also probably introduced to him as a former ashram premie. I think that was a problem for him - he really saw devotees as people who should worship him and not be his equal. His body language and attitude in close situations I've been in with him reflected this dichotomy in his mind. He sort of wanted to accord people the normal civil respect they deserved but couldn't if they were coming from the 'devotee' role because in his role as 'Master' he thought he had to put you down or be aloof. This for me me was a major realsisation about the real dynamics of the situation.

I don't agree with the direction that the organization is going in today. I don't think that the Keys are going to bring people to knowledge. It seems like the sincerity, spontaniety and magic is long gone and now everything is being controlled by a specific marketing plan by a group of corporate businessmen. That is not something that I wish to participate in.

I tend to agree. I predict that the strict terms and conditions will eventually be used against people who dare to 'make fair use comment'. Paranoia has a certain aroma that few civilised people can ignore.

But even to this day when I hear Maharaji address an audience of premies, I still feel something - the same thing I felt when I first heard him. And at that time, I am not thinking of his lifestyle, his millions, or his organization. There is still the same connection that was always there.

I was pretty high last week after doing quite a bit of meditation. I watched some of the Bert Wolf interview and this was what struck me. Maharaji was sitting in a garden over a table having 'intimate' chat with Wolf. He was talking with all the usual poetry, dramatic voice inflexions and promise about the 'experience' the 'thirst' and the rest of it. For me it was Maharaji's expression that was - now up-close and very apparent- and which struck me as very familiar and as a bit of a revelation. Wolf, by the way, sat throughout transfixed by Maharaji's rather puffy, wide, watery, doey-eyed stare. It was like he was hypnotised by Maharaji's stare! Like he was a fly stuck to a piece of sticky paper. ' You must not think about the words - ride on the beam of my gaze and feel my poower - you are feeling thirsty - you don't what the hell for but you are feeling thirsty - gaze into my eyes - I am special - I am having an extraordinary experience - you will not remember any of this when you wake up" What Maharaji immediately reminded me of was some male premies I once knew who used to meditate themselves into a blissful state and then would find somebody to give 'satsang' to (preferably a young busty blond), whom they would transfix with the EXACT same stare. Sometimes they would even get into a kind of staring match with other premies to sort of mutually disappear into the bliss. It hit me that Maharaji was simply playing the exact same game with poor Wolf who was suitably 'wowed'.

Anyway I have to say that the only connection I feel with Maharaji now is as an equal NOT as some superior person. For a start I can meditate and have an experience fine without him and I believe that his belief that he is the only one qualified to comment or 'give Knowledge' is a narcissistic fantasy that is the result of his upbringing and all that has occurred since. The fact that we all supported this fantasy and premies still do maybe does mitigate his culpablity somewhat for being so controlling and petulant. After all, you give a spoilt child free reign to boss other kids around and before you know it he's turned into a bully and then even a tyrant. In my opinion the connection premies feel with Maharaji is really a projection of one's hopes that there is a benign Master type being. Maharaji seems to play the role as best he can but, for many, they can see now that this was just a role-playing game.

many people here have no tolerance for anyone who doesn't hate Maharaji & everything he stands for.

There is definitely some such intolerance expressed here which plays straight into Maharaji's hands. It's kind of proof to him that any comment or rational debate about Maharaji can only be undertaken by 'enemies', 'demons' 'losers' (NB. Gerry 'losers' not 'Loosers'). Of course the vast majority of people, who either have silently backed away from Maharaji's world or have read or posted here, understand the value of civility and tolerance. The kind of hostilty that recent christian poster Suzie was greeted with simply demonstrates how angry and intolerant some (not all) of the ex premies are. What seems a shame to me is that they inevitably seem to have an agenda to highjack the forum and make it the domain of people who simply feel the way they do. God knows how many people over the years have been put off talking here because of the phenomena of the angry intolerant ex. It's fact that there have been many. Inevitably a forum where the majority are angry and intolerant is going to be perceived by the masses as unbalanced. That is why it plays into Maharaji's hands.

I saw how every one of them turned on John MacGregor. At first they seemed to have compassion for his situation, but after time, he was being bashed just like the premie "trolls" who come here to disrupt the ex-premie cult.

This troll thing is a continuing mystery to me. In my opinion the moderators should not be looking for trolls or fantasy enemies. They should be weeding out people who are 'immoderately' rude or disruptive including ex-premies who are too intolerant of premies.

Wasn't John MacGregor was accused by some as 'betraying the ex-premie cause' or being two-faced and such-like? It would be of no surprise to me if JM had a 'change of heart' under duress - especially given how he was apparently reduced to a suicidal depression at some point after Maharaji lawyers had successfully ruined him. I think he is only deserving of compassion.