I know it's hard, but you will be much happier if you let go of the fairy tale.  The experiences you had are real, and I would never doubt them; what isn't real is that Rawat had anything to do with you having them.  Rawat had nothing to do with the "love" you felt, it was either from the other premies, or it was from yourself. 

Rawat didn't give you anything, doesn't know you exist, and doesn't care.  I know that's hard to accept, and I know it would feel better if that wasn't true, but the evidence is overwhelming.

I think most of those of us who have broken free from the fairy tale (and the abusive, destructive, stagnating, philosophy Rawat touts), will tell you they are much, much happier since they broke free, than they were as premies, because along with the "love" goes the betrayal that you are feeling, and the only way you can avoid it is to repress it and tell yourself to just trust and it's okay.  That is a horrible way to live, even if it feels good for awhile.

After you leave the cult, love still exists and grows; life goes on and is wonderful, but you can't really go on to experience real love and fulfillment until you give up the fake belief system that keeps you from looking at what is right in front of you all the time.

Hang in there Bear.  Talk to people about it, express what you feel, and never, ever, tell yourself to 'just trust" to "have faith" or in any way discount the reality of your own feelings.