I can relate to what you said, and I think it's probably true for lots of premies.  Even when I left years ago, once I allowed the "drips" to come up to the surface and look at them head on, I realized I had really questioned things for a very long time, but just had learned to repress it, never say it, and pretend it wasn't there.

I wonder what it would have been like if EPO was around when I left.