I currently have an authority figure in my life, whose comments have the power to upset me and make me feel bad about myself. I don't think (in this case) that it is entirely her fault because despite her behaviour, I am an adult and don't have to react to things she says. But I do, and  then I end up feeling belittled and incompetent.

My solution these days is to emotionally distance myself from the person involved. I still see her because of her position but I did consider leaving that environment completely to avoid seeing her. Then I decided I would be denying myself by letting her drive me away. After all, her position is a temporary one and she will probably be gone in a year. I just needed to make my wings stronger and to fly further away from her while still being in the same environment. So although we are sharing the environment, I have removed myself from any activities where I have to answer to her.

Now she looks at me kind of strangely, like she doesn't understand what has changed in our relationship, but even there I doubt myself and wonder if I am imagining things. Nevertheless, I disconnected myself from activities that involved her approval or disapproval of my actions, and feel pretty sure that I have insulated myself from that particular failing in me. I haven't solved it or been cured of it, but I am reasonably protected from it.

I haven't even considered discussing it with her because I know that whether her behaviour is conscious or unconscious - my reaction is what matters most to me. It reminds me a little of when Mji came into Visions and I just sat on the desk - the disconnect from authority or seeking approval. It can be done.

And I totally relate to the darshan recovery experience, as I passed out nearly every time (years sometime went by between darshans so I had time to build up those expectations). And oh yes, I always saw exactly the response I needed from Mji in a look that was probably actually aimed 3 feet above my head or at the person behind me in line. We made our own realities.

I think it's ok to be vulnerable, and even needy occasionally, but we also need to have ways to protect ourselves from those who might take advantage of our vulnerabilities. In the past, I have frequently just run away from conflicts, and sometimes I still do, but I am also trying to learn how to make that disconnect from those authority figures who seem to bring out that hurt inner child in me. In my family, we sometimes use a saying, "I have wings of steel!" and I use this when trying to deal with situations like this. Invulnerable on the outside, even if a jellyfish on the inside. LOL