Your struggle to cope with how that authority figure affected you seems identicle to several authority figures I've struggled to cope with. I tried to meditate my way out of those situations (along with so many others), which only led to an even more unhealthy cause and effect psychosis as it related to grace following effort. I was convinced that there was no problem I couldn't conquer or protect myself from with the sword of his Knowledge and the shield of his grace! 

It HAS to be okay to be vulnerable because we all are. Anyone who doesn't think so really is a fool, paradise or no paradise. Ask any dinasaur. Hurt inner child. Invulnerable on the outside and jellyfish on the inside. I'm busted! My invisibility cloak is falling apart! It was the weight of the iron shield I was lugging around that finally did me in, i.e., the weight of the facade I needed to hide all that mush, not to mention hide the fact that I was a foot-kissing guru worshipper!

It's an outrage that you (and many others) were duped (by someone you thought was your protector!) into giving away your grandmother's inheritance and that the cult proactively encourages premies to include Prem Rawat in their wills. It's tantamount to robbing from their children and others who never had anything to do with him or who may even deeply resent him. And what does that say about the cult-inflicted damage done to the moral compasses of complicit premies who facilitate it?

I've mentioned it many times, but I'll never forget the forms ashram premies filled-out in 1978 that gathered information about the wealth of their parents and grandparents, e.g., occupations, incomes, estimated net worth, anticipated inheritances, etc. I remember because it was my "service" to distribute, gather and submit those forms to Prem Rawat's Divine Light Mission. Where was my head at!

Darshan - the kissing of Prem Rawat's feet! - is an extreme form of mental abuse and coercion; a psychological assault of the hightest order with long-term consequences. That level of submissiveness and subservience and the giving away of so much of one's dignity results in empty vessels or worse - vessels filled with love for their subjugator - which is exactly what the manipulative, exploitative and empathy-less subjugator wants.