Up to then, at least during the years I was vampirized by R, whenever I wrote, I did adress him. So in effect it was not journaling but writing him letters.

This morning I linked a very old memory to this kind of doing.

At age 3 and 4, before I knew how to write, I did start writing letters to God. I was then raised by my grandmother. And even though I cannot remember this, I am pretty sure she must have given me a hint to do that...

I actually did not know how to write, but thought I did. Was sure I did know! 

And got into the habit of writing a letter to God before going to bed. She assured me that if I left the missive on the dining room table, one of his angel mail guy would come pick it up and bring it to him.

I did believe her. 

First thing I would do in the morning was running to the table to see if the mail angel had swung by. Every time of course the letter was gone. I was so so thrilled, and really got into it for a while.

Not to bother you with my childhood memories, but in this case the link is so obvious.

So, especially in times of suffering, I would write to R. In my "journal". I did not send this.

Only when I broke away with this habit, did the writing help me get away. Of course.

It was automatic writing. And it was scary. I guess what picked up momentum then and showed up in my notebook, were thoughts and reflections I did not admit to consciously

In fact automatic writing which is my way of journaling when I do, can get scary. Because certain things we know, we also don't like to admit.

My first doubts about R on paper scared me very much.

It took a lot to accept what was coming out.