My wonderful life

First of all, I think it is important to acknowledge first the very eloquent voices that came before me. Life isn't always easy and being fully human is to accept that. We feel grief and pain as well as joy. As a premie, many I know seemed to feel if one is not in a constant state of bliss they have somehow failed. What a trap. What a set up. Human beings have all sorts of experiences in the lives they are given. They are not always appropriate met with bliss and acceptance and the feeling that the things of this world are an illusion anyway. To me, the details of my life and those around me are very real and important.

I have had some hardships in the past few years, but also, my life has much joy.

I have a wonderful family, and I love them so much. I have a wonderful husband and children, and mother, friends. My relationships with the people I love and who love me are fufilling. I especially enjoy my youngest, who is six. I have two adult children and I am very maternal. I take so much joy of doing it all over again! Every precious moment with this child has been a joy and a gift.  Looking at the world through the eyes of a child, and doing my best to make his life the best it can be, it means a lot. The simple moments of bedtime, learning to read, going and getting a pumpkin....I get so much from this.

I am a labor and delivery nurse. Right now, I am on disability. I hope to get back. My career has been very fufilling. Being a part of the miracle of new lives coming into the world has truly been an honor. And I know that sounds sappy. For me it has been a true "calling". I am good at it and I love it. I have been a part of saving lives in dramatic ways. But to me, the most fufilling part wasn't always when you know you made a difference because that mom or baby would not have been here if you had not done your job well ( which is a great feeling ! ) but when a mom smiles into your eyes because SHE did a great job having her baby and you were able to quietly facilitate HER ability to do it. When you make her the HERO. That to me was the most gratifying thing. A perfectly normal happy birth that you quietly helped happen in a million ways the family doesn't even notice. I just love it. I so hope my health will permit me to be a part of more of these miracles. If not, I will have to be satisfied with the 15 years I was able to do it.

I have a spiritual life. It is private to me and I do not think a good idea to discuss it too much here. The hardest journey for me after being a premie was to be able to let God into my life again. That is all I want to say.

But as you can see, I am a REALLY lucky person. Also, I almost lost my daughter in a car accident in 2001. I am so happy she is here and healthy. That too, the whole experience, was not at all easy, and other not easy things have happened in my life in the past few years, two major spinal surgeries, and I cannot gloss over the pain both physical and emotional of these things. But, I still do have a lot of fufillment in my life. Besides that, I guess I have hobbies. My husband and I are lucky we get to travel a bit. I like to see the world and the amazing places in it. I think that is a lot of fun. I think a lot of us ex's laugh ( or cry ) about all the places we have been and never really seen! I know I am so happy that when I went to Rome in 77, which I think the premie community sponsored actually, ( thanks Newt Gay ), the premies I was with decided to sneak off to the Vatican. I was 15 I think. My friend had a baby boy I adored. He was cute with this mop of strawberry blonde curls. We went into one of the massive rooms with huge ceilings and I took him and looked at the ceiling and spun in circles. Some priest type person emerged and beamed at us smiling with our joy. I of course thought he must be seeing GMJ's grace, I don't know what he was seeing, probably just a very happy joyful ( and stolen ) moment. That is what I remember happiest about being a premie. I wasn't always "good". I passed notes with my best friend and giggled, we made up code names for everyone in the Miami community in case they were to intercept our goosipy notes they could not be decoded. I was able to sneak a childhood out of those years in stolen moments like that. Thank god. Not sure why I am telling you that. But perhaps, I wonder, if you are facing the profound grief that everyone feels when they realize they were fooled? I lost 4 years, except as I say, those stolen moments. But many here emerge from 30 years. For every person it is different, but everyone feels loss. It is inevitable, to say, what if? Because there are people who gave up careers, marraiges, etc for GMJ. Brilliant people. But is it like you never existed all those years? No. They are still your life, and I think everyone has those authentic real moments blended into whatever they feel later were wasted, or at least, less than they might of been.

I hope, GOK, that God will help you know that you can throw away the need to pretend that things are not how they were, and you can at the very least start to really face our questions honestly. I know it is scary where answering them honestly may lead. You are saying the very things most of us would have said. But life is nothing if we live it in a lie. At least that is what I think.