Yes, I am definitely an ex-premie. I was a thirteen year old in Miami Fla when got the special K in 1975. I was REALLY into it. The gopi type I suppose. All I wanted was to join the ashram and be as close to M as I could. I never really got close to him ( I wasn't x rated or anywhere close to an insider ) the closest I came was the darshan line. I tried to tell everyone at junior high about M with little success. At sixteen I did join the ashram. It wasn't that long after my 17th birthday party at the Ashram, which was really nice of the premies there by the way, I remember that really fondly, that I started to see things differently. I really cannot say what exactly shocked me out of it. A lot of it was hypocrisy I saw, but really, what I remember most was in Philly the Mala danced totally disgusted me. I just looked around, and thought, " I am in a cult". I called my mom when I got home to take me out of the ashram, I think I left a note. One premie, George Robles, from the ashram, called me to see if I was okay, which was nice, but hard, to tell him what I felt. I know too that I went to some programs after that, more than a few, but I never believed, I was along for the ride, to see friends. When I left I went more than a little nutty. I had no friends outside of premies. A lot of the stuff is so embarrassing I don't want to post it again. But I went from a very naive never been kissed 17 year old to a mother within the year. But good things, of course, came of that, but also hard things, it is my life.
I do very much think M is not just a fraud but does not care about other people in a normal way. I knew he was a fraud, I did not need to know the x rated stuff to know that. I think, really, most premies know it. Why have the vast vast majority of those who got K left? M blames us unlit matches, I guess so those who stay can feel so special for doing so. But, hey, didn't we all feel "special" as premies, as all cult members do, because they have found the one true secret that the rest of the world is too blind to see. But the hardest thing of all to see is that you have fallen for a fraud, in a big way, and that you are in a cult. I only spent about 4 years, but those years were precious, and I am a very different person than I would have been. I am not going to say it was good. No way, I was a very smart kid in gifted programs etc, I was very well behaved never in trouble, maybe I would have screwed up, but there was no sign of that. I think it is likely I would have had a normal adolescence gone to college and done well. I think I would have been healthier, emotionally, if I had not ever heard of Guru Maharaj Ji. But I did. And I am wise in ways I never would have been. I perhaps am empathetic and understanding in ways I might not have been.....I think I am more inclined to say, there but for the grace of God go I...because I did fall for this guru and then made some other major life screw ups. What is great about this sight is the validation. I had not thought about premies for about 10 years, more really, and am remarried and am now a labor and delivery nurse, which I love. About 1996-7 about as soon as I discovered a seach engine I thought- I wonder what Guru Maharaj Ji is doing? And I was astounded for the first time to meet people who had been through what I had. It was such a great thing and for me, healing, to get to talk with the people here. First of all, I have met some really nice, really smart, really together people both online and in person through this sight. And it has made me stop being quite as disgusted at myself for falling for it in the first place. Because these wonderful people also had and I respect so many of them so much. There are a bunch, like Jim and Joe, who have posted as long as I have been posting. But lots just post for awhile, get what they need from the place, or say their peace, and move on. I also "met" A, a woman who was raped by Jagdeo at age 8. This horrified me, because of how I had tried to stop him. I think this happened to A before I had my experience, but I have never been really sure. Jagdeo was only one part of why I left M and K, I am sure I would have left if it had never happened. It was only one part, for me, of what convinced me I was in a cult. I certainly don't want you to look at this ex site as another group like premies. Most of us left long before the internet, some have said this site helped them leave. I REALLY wish something like this had been there for me when I left, as I floundered, I was a mix of heartbroken, terrified, and flayling. The people here could have helped. But I am glad the people here have been here to help others who leave, because it is so hard, and who else on earth will really understand? The amazing thing, is there are ex sites for almost all cults now, and if you look, they just aren't that different. The trap, and the escape, are remarkably similar. I said before, please read AJW's journey, it is such a great narrative of the experience of leaving the cult. I do care about anyone stuck in M's world. I think most premies, unless they are just dabbling, are in a cult, and really are trapped living a life in which they are forced on a day to day basis to lie to themselves. I also think they are being terribly taken advantage of, all the money that is given, the time, the attention. I don't know if people regularly turn over family fortunes and leave themselves destitute as so often happened in the seventies. But that is what bothers me so about M's lifestyle, I don't give a hoot that he is wealthy, but I care VERY much about how he got that way, of the backs and sweat and blood of the premies. I wish you would directly answer Jim's questions. I know I thought M was God. Why? He wanted me too, he wanted us all to. To not admit that is to lie. So now, in public, he says he never did? What an insult, and who is he fooling. You?
