Welcome again. I know exactly what you are going through, the questions, the doubts, the hovering between what you once so fervently believed and actually listening to what your gut and discerning mind are telling you about Rawat. Most of us were so brainwashed with the command to never leave room for doubt in our minds and to never question the master so it is only natural that we wobble around at first while we re-acquire our sea legs.

When I first came to the forum a couple of years ago I posted under my real name before the personal attacks began. I decided that I didn't want to suffer any more than I have already trying to re-claim my life. I really feel for people like JHB, John, Marianne, Joe, Jim and the others who have been savagely attacked and had their workplaces contacted for having the courage and integrity to voice their concerns regarding Rawat.

On EV's FAQs this forum, and other critical informational sites about Rawat have been labelled "hate groups", suggesting that we are not exercising free and fair speech regarding our involvement with Rawat, but spreading hate. I wonder how many actual hate sites that attack identifiable minorities for example, actually spent 30 years being that minority. It is patently obvious the EV's attack campaign is completely fallacious and mean-spirited. I sincerely doubt that Rawat would allow this tactic to stand without his personal approval.

This is such an ill-conceived strategy that by itself leads one to be curious about what the critics are saying. Ditto, about attacking a well-known journalist and attempting to destroy his livelihood. This strategy as well will backfire. These examples are not Rawat smoking and drinking excessively, but are similarly revealing about his character, intelligence, and integrity. Fallacious arguments and character assasinations only serve to demonstrate the contempt of the perpetrators for the lives they are attacking and for underestimating people's intelligence.

I continue to meditate as I do derive benefit from it but for reasons that I have shared in this and previous posts I have lost all respect for Rawat. Having devotion to him, or ascribing his grace to my experience is completely ridiculous. If others continue to do so I respect their right to choose to do so, but I prefer to live my life with my head out of the sand. All the best in your journey.