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Unconfirmed sources report that Prem Rawat ( aka Guru Maharaji ) the self proclaimed Lord of the Universe made a surprise visit to Baghdad to propagate his `Knowledge` and urge the leaders of the fledgling Iraqi Government to develop a peaceful democracy and donate to his charity foundation fund. Unfortunately for all involved, the voluble and volatile Sat Guru was kidnapped by insurgents as he traveled Baghdad's notorious Airport Road less that one hour after he arrived in that benighted and war-torn country. Much to everyone's surprise however, less than one hour after that, he was released unharmed.
Initially, military officials were at a loss to determine why so valuable a strategic bargaining tool was given up by insurgents, but soon the answer became apparent. In a video-taped message delivered to a military check point the Union of Thugs, Losers, Assassins and Dead Enders explained, "Allah be Praised, but that guy nearly drove us crazy. He just talked and talked and we couldn't figure out what in the hell he was saying. We told him we would behead him if the United States did not leave Iraq and he said, '
I really don't know how finally I made it here, because, like we've been travelling since late last night, and we got into Bhagdad at about five or six o'clock in the morning. And it's been pretty incredible because, you know, you come into Bhagdad from a nice, quiet town, and all of a sudden there you are in the middle of just about everything. And I mean, there was a lot that happened, but besides that, I just feel that there was a lot of Grace.
And this is what we really have to all experience in our lives, and really understand what Grace is, and how does it actually and practically really work in our lives.'"
The taped explanation continued, "The guy went on like that for fifty five minutes, non stop; man, we all got such a headache. Two of our people went right out and blew themselves up rather than listen anymore. We had planned on putting him in one of those kidnap videos, but we realized there just wasn't enough video tape in Iraq once this idiot got started. It really just wasn't worth it. We're going back to kidnapping truck drivers and such."
US officials were at first ecstatic about Prem Rawat`s unexpected return, but once the true reason for it emerged, there was considerable chagrin. One unnamed military source said, "Actually, we know exactly what the terrorists are talking about. The guy has been driving us insane since he showed up here in the early 70`s. I've volunteered for suicide missions twice rather than sit through one of his satsangs. We've been in contact with the insurgents, trying to get them to take him back but no dice. Damn."
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