I accepted the changes Maharaji made because I thought he was the Perfect Master of our time and I trusted him. Yes, I mildly questioned a few of the changes, but it was surface ripples, not real questioning. Being in a cult means you don't question the fundamental beliefs. It's like there's a door in your mind with a sign saying 'No Entry'. I may have occasionally looked at the door but I never opened it until I read EPO in January 1999. Just reading that other people had and were questioning Maharaji's status enabled me to open that door in my mind. Once it was open, then the dammed up questions came pouring out until, after a few weeks, I sat at my computer and asked myself 'Am I rejecting Maharaji?', and the answer, tinged with fear and trepidation, came back, 'Yes'.

Regarding spiritual growth, I kind of just had the belief that I was growing slowly. My criteria were, I guess, pretty personal, such as how calm I was under pressure, how tolerant I was, depth of meditation experiences (although I rarely had cosmic experiences). I'm sure now that a lot of my beliefs on this were wishful thinking, and other changes were just normal maturing, but I feel I've learnt far more about myself in the 6 years since, than in the 25 years as a premie.