I remember one thing that really stands out for me throughout all the years that really alienated me from Rawat and Co. This was shortly after the ashrams closed. For a short time I had moved back into a upscale condo in Chicago's Lincoln Park area that I had helped organize as an ashram. Since it had been up to a few months previously an ashram, it was full of Rawat videos and tapes. At some point I became aware of this new scheme to collect all videos and publications. I think our house was even being used as a depot for premies to bring their stuff to. It wasn't exactly clear what was to become of these things, but I think I found out that they were simply being destroyed.

That was like a big ominous red flag for me. Although I didn't know what exactly was up, obviously some kind of nefarious plan of history revision or at least hiding of the past was at work. I even thought of snagging a few as evidence in anticipation of this but I guess I never got around to it. I did keep the stuff that belonged to me (for a while at least). This really marked the end of my premiehood.

The funny thing is that for some years, (what's the word that people throw around here for this?) I didn't put the obvious two and two together for myself. Like two separate trains of thought that somehow refuse to joinn together. On one hand I became completely suspicious of what was going on with Elan Vital, but somehow in my mind Rawat himself remained innocent of it all. That is such a strange capacity of humans to do that if you think about it. For some years I still had one foot in the door and went to a couple more programs, though refused to give a dime of my money and would get really bitchy when people would call me up asking for a donation. Also I distanced myself from premies, as if it was their fault.

It took some years for the neural circuits to finally function properly again and finally to accept things for the way they were. Rawat was responsible for what happens in his organisation. Period. That's it. Like every other goddamn organisation in the world. Of course I was helped along the way by hearing some of the strange goings on at those expensive weekend knowledge reviews with Rawat. How everything was changed and everyone just pretended like it had always been that way. That really pissed me off. My suspicion from earlier had turned out to be totally correct and even much worse than I possibly could have imagined.