First about the live events: yes, the atmosphere can be quite "special" no doubt. This is because when a large group gets together with a common purpose or focus, a group "high" often occurs. This is no different that say, a musical concert with a rock star or seeing movie actors in a live setting. The "fans" or people in the audience seem "happy" because they are experience this group high, which then fades over a short time.Maharaji does seem to believe he is special and better than "ordinary" people. He has been told this all his life and it has made him mentally ill, I'm afraid. He himself stated at a "training" session that he has another side to him beyond his stage personality and that it's not very nice.
I suggest you start by reading our website, which I've linked below. Go at your own pace, take your time and relax. This is not a matter of life and death, believe me.
Best of luck to you. I greatly admire your willingness to investigate Knowledge on your own, especially given the family influences you have around you. You are very brave and honest, if I may say that after just one post from you.
There are many really fine and kind people here who can help you a lot more than I can don't hesitate to ask more questions here.
