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I lived in the Race Street ashram and was assistant house mother under Ann Johnston for a few months. She was one of the most fanatical premies I ever met.
There was a discussion here of how she moved to Malibu in hopes of serving her Lord, but was rejected as a sad loonie and ended up living in a trailer and doing laundry for a Rez premie.
Does anyone have any updates on her? Also it was said that because she is Canadian and never worked a paying job, she has no Social Security or any other benefits.
Wondering how her faith in the LOTU is now? A bitter end for the most devoted? Seems the ji only wants to be surrounded by "beautiful" and "cool" people. All others are cast aside as unfit to enter the pearly gates of Malibu.
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..she moved to Malibu in hopes of serving her Lord, but was rejected as a sad loonie and ended up living in a trailer and doing laundry for a Rez premie
That sounds inaccurate at least if only to what I saw of her there. Sometime I think in late 1990s, she moved to Malibu, given or applied for or somehow got a much-sought-after volunteer posiiton working in the Rawat laundry facilily inside the residence complex. I'd suspected it maybe was somewhat a fulfillment at that time of possibly in those years one of her highest hopes of a lifetime. ...not sure if it was an unpaid position, but I think probably was. For this she moved in to share a living place with one of the Family staff secretaries who already lived in a fair-sized trailer in the much sought housing area on the hillsides amongst millionaire families very near the residence with magnificent view high above the Pacifc. ...walked or rode to the residence maybe every day, or maybe as needed. She seemed her usual upbeat (annoyingly happy when I was grumpy) self whenever I saw her. I don't know how she did with that or how long it lasted.
Modified: Well, I don't know of her what may have followed. For all I know maybe afterward she lost the volunteer job and stayed on living with the other premie in the trailer...could have done the laundry for the two of them I suppose. Maybe the housemate urged her on away if/when she had lost the laundry job. But I don't know if this was actually the denoument as I never heard or saw of all that, and was gone myself sometime later on.
Modified by tarvuist at Fri, May 19, 2017, 14:12:29
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I has been several years since this was discussed and I may have the story line wrong. Thanks for this.
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On this subject, I received an interesting email from a very old premie friend (P1) recently, and then a phone conversation a few days later. We had not talked for at least 20 years. The line was crisp and clear...all the way from India.
He mentioned he had met another quasi premie (P2) at a Mooji festival somewhere in India and just by chance this guy was also an old friend of mine, giving (P1) my email address. (re: Mooji, I got a sense that spiritual polygamy was fair game in these times)
The conversation was a wonderful and cheerful exchange. He (P1) was not the least bit offended that I was an EX, in fact he listened with interest. P1 was living off his monthly social security check of only $650.00 USD. I guess US dollars go alot farther in places like India vs the West.
P1 told me he had been traveling for 17 years, with the last 10 in India, now living in a fururistic utopian village called Auroville near the Bay of Bengal. Google it, it looks like a hippie haven for aging spiritualists and idealistic young wanderers. Somehow it reminded me of Rawat's fantasy of a divine city.... The kind of place I would make every effort to avoid if possible. And yes it has it's own problems with petty crime and drugs.
But he (P1) seemed lively, maybe a bit sad that he had no real home or final resting place. He was not connected to any organized group of Rawat Servant Corps. P2 on the other hand is a writer and always searching for the perfect story, a true romantic.
Another close premie friend (P3), that I chat with every 10 years or so, lives in a three story tree house on the beaches of Mexico south of Cancun. He knows I have ex-ed and we avoid that chasm, but still have respect and care for one another. He runs a dive shop and I'm sure his SS check goes farther there too.
Rawat always seemed to frown on the social free-for-all that occurred after every program, but the fact is...it was interesting where all of our comrades ended up over the years, no ? For all of the cult trappings, most of the group were fascinating people.
As we age, I pray that the disillusionment phase is not too rough on any of them (us) though. An entire life-time of false worship is a very big blunder and detour to sort out.
Good thing we are going to live forever...
Modified by Manincar at Fri, May 19, 2017, 19:11:29
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I myself did work in the Rawat laundry in Malibu for several years. Essentially ironing PR shirts plus Marolyn' s clothes and the kids' s.I was never paid at all of course. Given sometimes some of the kids' s clothes for mine. All nice expensive stuff. At the time I was thrilled. But my daughter as she was growing out of childhood started complaining I never got her anything new. I never got any for myself either. How could have I? We were in a desperate money situation practically all the time. I could really elaborate on the subject...abject subject.. I was not learning skills to make it in life. Ironing away to perfection. Then would get home where instead of tackling my terrible personal situation, would iron to perfection my kids' s school uniforms.
Seems to me that a true teacher would help his students grow, become stronger. Not exploit them further.
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Thanks for your posts Inis and I appreciate your willingness to talk about your experiences. This is the place to do it. The more stories the better. For several years I posted feverishly with detailed stories about specific experiences I had with Rawat as his driver and working for free at the residence.
At first I had a lot of trepidation about what I was saying, probably because I was publicly saying things that were completely in opposition to decades of brainwashing. But, the folks here were so supportive that it didn't take long to feel comfortable trashing the sh** out of Rawat. Please tell us more. Its great for you to unload, really good for us, and Rawat deserves every bit of it. Thanks for joining in!
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Hear Hear jasper! Your first hand accounts of the man behind the carefully crafted stage persona have been invaluable. They are so much more telling than any amount of speculation, however accurate. So, yes please Inis, tell us more!
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At this point, I dont think I have any stories.Except my own.
Truth is I would not discount someone has valuable stuff to say or transfer to others even if he gets drunk and has mistresses. Perfect behaviour is not my gauge. Even though I must say at the time I was around in Malibu, I was not aware of the "mis-behaviour" of Rawat. Well once I had a chat with Marolyn as we were waiting for the kids out of school. Hers and mine. She unexpectedly opened up. Telling me she did not know what was gonna happen between Maharaji and herself. Without giving me details. But the relationship was obviously not going well. She also shared her worries about Amar, then around 11 years old. Who had " bad friends" and was tackling with drugs already. True, one time, I saw Amar, whom I really loved, looking so lost, standing on his own in a small commercial center on Point Dume. Looking really sad lost lonely. I said hey Amar are you ok here. He was never too communicative though...retreated further into his mood...I just left him there.
Marolyn shared her concerns with me that day. She did look indeed quite worried. I was too about my own. Which I shared in response. I would have been too shy to ask her any further questions. Or to try having a discussion on what she just had told me. We were not buddies. Plus I was indeed too overwhelmed by my own situation. So I told her in response that I was about to loose the house I was living in with my children and where I was hosting many international premies coming to Malibu to do service at the rez. Doing construction there. At the time the rez was under major expanding and renovation. I was about to be evicted for not being able to pay the rent. I charged those guys on a daily basis, $15 to $20. When Maharaji would go touring, they all left like flock of birds. It happened a lot. Rent for the house are very steep in Malibu. I could not cover it with it, with this constant inconsistency.
Marolyn did not answer anything when I said that. That we were about to be evicted. Nothing at all. We went each our way. Her with her worries, me with mine.
Other than that, whenever I saw Rawat or both of them, mostly round school and few parties, they looked magazine perfect. Looking clean rich good hairdo French perfumes...Perfection. Very aloof also as need to be.
Modified by Inis at Tue, May 23, 2017, 03:43:35
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Thanks for sharing this story. It amazes me how every little piece is a bit of the jigsaw and each piece adds to the feeling of completion.I have often wondered and worried for Marolyn. I never hear anything of her, really. Most stories are about M or somehow revolve around him, things he said or did or didn't do. There is another site called prem rawat bio where I read a lot when I first exed. There are some stories there of M and Marolyn having counselling. Also stories of his mistress Monika being coerced by him into having an abortion. Like you I imagine valuable insight might occasionally come forth from someone who is an alcoholic or who has a mistress or two. However that is not the guy I would deem as my spiritual master, nor someone I would tithe to or follow around the planet , nor kiss his feet, or put my own family life on the back burner for. As it stands I would now prefer the company of someone who actually tells the truth (company of Truth indeed)
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The more I go around, and without boasting, I have been around quite a bit ....the more I conclude it is foolishness wanting to find perfection in anyone...or such a thing as a "perfect master".Some people have insights, valuable insights. And no Rawat was not/is not one of those anyway. But not a good idea to kiss anyone toes unless its your lover, you're just playing around and he/she will kiss yours too.
After I left, I have wondered how I managed to swallow his empty discourses for so long. I tried listening to a few. And it was like...how could I??
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Yes it's interesting TRYING to listen to a discourse of his now. It's impossible!!! he is so slow... and so repetitive.... and so shallow and meaningless. I can't stand 2 minutes. Those poor people I dragged along to local events to see him waffle while we all sat there uptight and feigning relaxing while the newcomers sat through boredom extravaganza and declared it's not for me.Turns out it's not for me either. The further away I get the worse those talks of his sound
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its funny that underlying it all - was to figure out how i could be physically close to m. i mean that was ultimately my goal - because that meant you were somehow special and going to be with m forever.
its only when i look back now and got older - do i see the psychic abuse and wierdness - not when i was in it - so young and innocent and going to live forever
old age seemed so far off and some fantasy.
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"its funny that underlying it all - was to figure out how i could be physically close to m. i mean that was ultimately my goal - because that meant you were somehow special and going to be with m forever."
So true..... when I was alone in the car with Rawat I truly believed I was the most fortunate person in the whole wide world. I was absolutely 100% convinced that he was God in the flesh and by some miracle I was cosmically chosen to drive him around.
The responsibility I felt was overwhelming; what if there was an accident?, what if the car broke down?, was the cabin temperature OK?, the seat position?, the music playing on the car stereo?. That fear of disaster or failure was sort of moderated by my belief that if I surrendered myself completely, somehow Rawat in spirit form would be able to protect us from any harm or catastrophe.
To experience those conflicting emotions all the while trying to follow each breath perfectly; breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, steer the car, breathe out, worry about Rabat's comfort level, breathe in. What a conflicted mess. And this was supposed to be peace, bliss, and consciousness!
I was so far gone into that complete fantasy delusion that I know I would have laid down my life for him without any hesitation. That is just one example of how dangerous the cult really is.
Now that I realize Rawat is nothing but a con artist pedaling lies to innocent victims, its scary and embarrassing at the same time to admit how far from reality I had gone! Wow!!! Then, to occasionally have the Grace to be able to kiss his toenail fungus infested feet....... Yuk! What the hell was wrong with me?
Ten years later I'm still trying to process all this. Thanks for listening and wish the best for everyone.
Modified by jasper at Sun, May 21, 2017, 09:54:09
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Thanks for this Jasper. I think I will be processing this for the rest of my life!  I don't think about the ji that much, but I think about what being in a cult has done to my spirituality. I have a good friend that is a Buddhist and she will try to get me into her sect. I tell her that I am allergic to gurus, religion and sects. I am unable to practice any form of meditation. For me that really sucks.
I still, after all these years of being an ex (since 2003), have not sorted out what visions and experiences were valid and what were the result of emotional hype.
As I have previously mentioned, I don't seem to be able to form healthy equal romantic relationships.
Career stuff, meh. I worked in the kitchens as a slave in the ashrams, I got a culinary degree, and slaved in the Country Clubs for the elite.
My Buddhist friend asked me if there was ANYTHING positive about being in the cult of ji. I can't think of anything. Really. NOTHING.
Karen
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Its really sad what Rawat and the cult did to us all. Right in the midst of the exuberance of youth we were kidnapped and held hostage by the longing of our own souls.
And we can't get back that those years we lost, or the innocence and child-like curiosity that compelled us to search in the first place. Its horrifying how a single predator like Rawat could do so much damage to so many good and unsuspecting people.
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"right in the middle of the exuberance of youth we were kidnapped and held hostage by the longing of our own souls"
that's a beautiful line, Jasper.
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Thanks Leslie and its so true isn't it? I was young and innocent and just wanted to be close to God. Followed my heart where I thought it should go. Took the bait and ended up in a Bear trap. Sad really...... so much was lost and so little, if anything, was gained.
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Did you ever see that movie Bedazzled? It has always haunted me. omg please don't say my life is always going to be like that.
Dudley Moore is in love and Peter Sellers is the devil. He keeps granting Dudley his wishes and Dudley keeps wishing to be with the woman he loves and he gets zapped into these lives and there she is but there's always something wrong, like she doesn't care about him or she does but she's married to someone else but finally he makes this wish and you think for sure it will be good, he's covered all the bases only it's the worst scenario - he finds himself in a convent and they are both nuns.
Rawat was like getting the worst scenario first up!
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Thanks Jasper, I am really moved by your post, I had to come back to it to read it again.He spoke in half truths, it was so convoluted, yet clothed in 'simple'. I felt at times hypnotised, willingly so, into a delusion as you say. He left no doubt in my mind as to where my loyalty should be. His many so called satsangs were riddled with it. He seemed to have a lot of power at the time. But as the illusion started to fade and I began to wake up to the facts I saw he is a prime manipulator, playing on all of our best intentions. The power in him seemed to dwindle, he looked irrelevant somehow, irrelevant to now and the changes I had started to embrace.
I realised his power came from me, came from all of those who's illusory pleasure it was to adore him. Without us, without you, without me - what, who is he? I think it is a very human thing to want to worship, to experience awe and beauty within, to feel humble at least and true to yourself. That last bit was missing when i was practising knowledge. I was conflicted and not true to myself half the time. Not only that, I would beat myself up about it. The conflict was mine, then I started taking responsibility for conflicts that had stuff all to do with me.
Without him in my life I am much more straightforward with myself. I'm still cleaning up the mess of my life, the crumbled ruins of the tower that had to fall so I could at least be honest with myself and not hide behind my illusory defences all the time. Turns out I can be quite sharp, but I knew that already and it was something I subjugated in order to fit in with premiedom as befits the general stance of someone who has a long distance obsession with a narc running as background white noise. Was I brainwashed? I guess so. Was it my fault? No it was by design, his design. He reeled me in with half truths, some borrowed wisdom from Kabir probably- once hypnotised, he planted the seed of the untruth. I was young, suffering loss, no sense of belonging, I was vulnerable. At first the techniques helped with pain relief and all sorts but that quickly faded once the brainwash stuff took over. It seemed that the more i wanted to be involved the more conflicted I would become, life went round in circles, pretty chaotic circles for years and years. Like I said, I'm still clearing up the aftermath and realising I don't need that chaos in my life. It's been like a habitual overhang from so much mindfuck and now it's time to take the reins and get my life back in order. Feels like I'm rambling which means I will soon start apologising for myself. Another habit. Thanks again for your recent input to the threads
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Love all your posts SQ. Rambling is fine. So much to dig out from under. Rawat's crap oozed and spread so deeply into every cell and pore of my being. Quite a mess to try to sort it all out. Every word I read here helps scrape out some more of the residual grunge. Many thanks and much appreciated!
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Dear Inis 'Seems to me that a true teacher would help his students grow, become stronger. Not exploit them further' That's the crux of the matter isn't it. We were not empowered to be anything other than a cog in the works for him and that was meant to bring the ultimate fulfilment. Except of course it did not.As you say we had to go home to our compromised circumstances and face a disfunction that we had a hard time believing was anything to do with being involved with him. I remember when i studied the Tarot, an ongoing study for years, The symbol of the inverted pentagram , for the devil, was a symbol of inverted priorities, that which is meant to be at the top is suddenly at the bottom and the 2 points of the 5 pointed star are suddenly at the top. Unbalanced and in the end untenable. There was this stupid word 'effort'. So much pointless effort. None of it yielded anything good, more separation from family and more poverty, more disfunction and more dual minded craziness to keep at bay by meditation. If I hadn't meditated in the morning it played on my mind all day, like a small guilt,but more like an addiction, like cigarettes. I couldn't allow my full attention to anything because I kept remembering what i really wanted was to have a fag, or to be more precise, to invoke a ritualistic chain around my spirit
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