I am 16 years out, I don't post much anymore, but reading your recent posts I really felt compelled to share my version of the baby bathwater story
I remember how helpful others were to me in the genesis of my ex-ing. I lived out here after breaking off cold turkey my emotional addiction to the cult and the whole concept of a spiritual master guru etc.
I managed to escape and free myself from the cult and clear the way for something that occurred shortly thereafter which was as I can best describe it a spontaneous wake up call.
As soon as I realized the limitation that my cultural indoctrination created and had completely given up my dependence on Rawat I began to re-examine just what did I really know and believe in?
When I recovered my free will by exiting the cult I opened up a whole new possibility of life choices that I had forgotten about.
The biggest missing gap was how do I fill the void left and why did I then or why do I still feel the need to connect to something within or without that answers the universal questions that keep popping up.
Where did I get my thoughts and ideas, which ones where my own, which ones were taught to me, which ones did I hold sacred, what was important to me to find out and so on ad infinite.
Was I merely a vessel of environmental and circumstantial life experiences, or was there more? I sensed there was a deeper meaning and a higher understanding of this life even after leaving the cult.
I still yearned to know and find the answers, but I sensed something beyond any religion or credo that man had already come up with so I took my own solo journey within.
This time I would find my own self truth on my own without a guru or someone or some organization telling me what to to expect.
This is my own story of dealing with the loose ends of the dangling spiritual conversation and making friends with the universe again after leaving the cult.
This took a while, wrestling with ideas, opinions, attachments, and belief's and I hope to make it easier for you look at by taking you directly to what I found at the end of the queue.
It all started with a conversation I found myself thinking about and inquiring into the ultimate possibility of what would it be like if I truly did not have any pre-conceived thoughts whatsoever?
No beliefs, no expectations, no feelings, no judgments, no frustration, no stress, no guru, no guilt or remorse just pure natural being perhaps like the simple awareness of new born child.
What if I could see myself simply as a blank canvas for a moment what would that be like? What would happen to my beliefs, intolerance and all of the other mental baggage if I were to just let it all go briefly?
Just clear the air in my head and totally surrender and step forward into the mystery and vast unknown of the present moment the here and now.
What happened next was quite amazing, because at the very moment that I fully committed myself to that exact possibility of truly being present here and now at that instant, a deep unbridled peace and clarity permeated my entire being.
The space and noise in my head that was once occupied by the endless ramblings, functions and distribution of data and information and conceptual stimulation was now expanded wide open and all prior doubt and fear of the unknown evaporated into infinity.
Free and unencumbered by the heretofore minds constant stimulation, static and activity I bathed in the still presence of nothingness, just like the first day I entered this world.
Fresh as my first breath, no concepts, no hang-ups, free from traditions, religion, just completeness, contentment, satisfaction, love and joy beyond description.
I went deep within inside my subconscious and there I was or the essence of who I am seemed to be standing in front of a blank canvas.
Pure and undisturbed. As I observed the canvas an etching appeared and began to take shape and develop with no perceived effort on my part.
What was this? In an instant I knew what was happening, any thoughts and images I produced were being imprinted on the canvas and projecting my inner experience outward.
I was creating a picture here, and this is what I had been doing all along, from the time that I drew my first breath.
I had been painting on the canvas, and the picture that I had been creating here in my innermost sanctum was transforming and filtering through my perception and that image was being reflected back to the outside world.
I held the ability to create these impressions and I realized how much I lived my life was based on what I have been cultivated to believe.
My thoughts, religion, traditions and culture was pre-determined by social conditioning projected back through this inner medium.
How clever how unique, and I now fully realized for the first time that I was ultimately responsible for what was painted on that canvas.
The key here to removing the blocks and changing the picture was to transform my perceptions and belief utilizing my now regained self will.
Even though some of what was put there was due to influences, both conscious and unconscious and related to conditions and environments that I was subjected to in the end I was solely responsible for the final perception here.
This meant that I could by my own free will choose, create, change or erase anything on the canvas.
In other words the baby is still there for you for whatever you may chose to call it but you have to take back your free will in order to receive the gifts of the universe. I t goes back to the
The Guru sucked up all the energy out of my life and clouded my vision for years to see beyond anything else going on outside of his world.
Remember the Salt and Sugar Ant parable, how you have to put down the salt to taste the sugar.
In order to see whats beyond the guru you have to put him down, if you meet the Budda on the road to enlightenment slay him.
Life begins again a new baby is born and along with it more bathwater.
The picture which I paint on my canvas can be totally different from what others see and paint on their canvas I learned to accept that my way is not the only way.
I used to try to persuade cult beliefs today I just want to be kind to others to contribute and to always strive to leave any situation I encounter better than I found it.
Having had a Guru in this life so deeply embedded in every fabric of my being and being able to successfully give up that dependency has been one of my biggest personal triumphs and enlightenment.
The cult pretending that is wasn't a cult was a nice spiritual security blanket illusion masquerading as reality, it is a miracle to get out from under all of that in tact.
At this point I am content to live and let live and enjoy life.
