If you’re reading this, you’re either an ex-follower, a loyal devotee, someone who has slowly drifted away from him, or you may not know anything about Prem Rawat.

Check out his website if you don’t know anything about him and his public persona. If you want to learn about his off-camera persona and how he presented himself when he built his worldwide following, go here or here.

You’ll find a big difference between his public and private life.

That may be why anyone working for him over the last fifteen years has to sign a nondisclosure agreement, and that ought to make anyone, even hard-core loyalists, think about what needs to be hushed up. Food for thought.

Before I go any further, let me be very clear about a few things.

I take full responsibility for my choices to serve Prem for over ten years. I chose to move into his ashram — not because I wanted to become a monk, but because I wanted to be intimately involved in his mission to bring peace to the world.

I willingly became an instructor in 1977, although I had doubts about him when I heard about his heavy drinking. I tried very hard to let go of those doubts because I thought something was wrong with me. Years later, I realized it was difficult because I was fighting against my intuition, not my mind. I knew something was off, but to doubt the Master was not cool. He could do whatever the hell he wanted.

Two things strongly influenced my choices.

Prem as messiah.

Prem came to the West as a teenager and claimed to be the Perfect Master. The Indian mahatmas who carried his message pushed his divinity. So did the newly minted American mahatmas — Bill Patterson, Arthur Brigham, and Ira Woods. I knew all these guys and looked up to them.

They spent lots of time around Prem, and I figured, like thousands of other premies, what they said was true — he’s the Lord of the Universe (whatever that is), The Master. And by dedicating your life to him through satsang, service, and meditation, you will reach higher levels of consciousness.

Prem backed this concept up with heavy-duty statements like this:

Whenever Guru Maharaj is going to come in this world and has and will, and you know by his Grace will keep coming again and again and again, so it’s not guaranteed either. He can skip a term, and that’ll be the devastation of this entire planet.

Speaking in the third person is known as illeism. What’s that about? Narcissists often use illeism to distance themselves from their actions. Here’s an article from Forbes about it.

So, the notion of his divinity and enlightenment started with him. He promoted it, as did his inner circle.

The second reason is more personal.

I wanted to believe.

As a twenty-year-old, I was searching for deeper meaning in my life. I wanted to have an inner experience of the life force, of God, of my soul. Prem said he could show it to me. And I wanted to be part of something— a like-minded tribe. I wanted to believe there could be goodness and hope in the dark, troubled world of Watergate, Vietnam, Nixon, Kent State, and the assassinations of J.F.K., R.F.K., and Martin Luther King.

People said Prem was the second coming. I wanted to believe he was special. If he was special, and I followed him, then I would be special, too. I’d be one of the chosen ones making a real difference.

I never believed he was Lord of the Universe for a minute, but I did think he had some kind of enlightened power. I prayed to and worshipped him for many years. He filled a void, and I willingly invited him into every facet of my life. As did thousands of others, I put my faith and trust in him.

In summary, I wanted to believe in something miraculous, and someone came along, Prem, claiming to be miraculous—the perfect storm for idealistic hippies.

This is why it’s hard for many of us who are older to untangle from Prem — our relationships with him began when we were young, naive, trusting, and hopeful.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not denying the fact I had many good times with Prem. I did because I was fully bought in. In the 1980s, when there were large programs, I was in the room for hours when thousands of premies came to kiss his feet. Disco music playing, the smell of gardenia flowers filling the air. Everyone was dressed to the nines.

Dettmers and Donner moved people along. David Smith (deceased R.I.P.), Loring Baker, Eric Reinemer, Gary Ockenden (deceased R.I.P.), me, and a few others carried out those that fainted. It was quite an experience.

I had a few private meetings with Prem. He treated me respectfully. But others weren’t as lucky. The instructors were fired after each received a phone call from Michael Donner. They got a one-way ticket to their chosen destination. That’s it. They had nothing but a suitcase of clothes.

Suddenly, that whole thing about dedicating your life to Prem was over. Time to start a new life from rock bottom. No explanation. Not even a note from Prem. Thank you for your unwavering service…Nothing. Ashram premies got the same thing. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out—callous, unempathetic treatment.

Where are the ex-instructors now? Some are doing fine. Many had a very, very rough time finding their way. Some are still lost. Same thing with ashram premies. Most made it, but some never recovered from the psychological wounds of being deceived.

My untangling process.

My real untangling began in the early 2000s when I read Michael Dettmer’s online accounts of Prem’s behavior. I worked for Michael for four years as the President of Elan Vital. I knew he was telling the truth.

I drifted slowly away from any involvement in Prem’s activities for many years, raising a family and building a career after coming out of the ashram dead broke at thirty-three. My solution to reconfiguring the meaning of my life, given that a grand impostor fooled me, was to separate the teacher from the teachings.

Next, there were many beliefs about destiny and free choice that I needed to examine. It was hard work. However, doing more research online helped, and speaking to people within Prem’s family confirmed that he is far from an enlightened teacher worthy of guiding people on their journey into inner peace and higher consciousness.

Once I freed myself from believing he was enlightened, I could see him without rose-colored glasses, a polite way of saying I had cult brain. I needed to undo years of programming to extricate myself from the spell he cast and the spell I accepted to reclaim my psychological freedom.

The grand impersonation.

My main issue with Prem is he consciously pretended to be something he wasn’t and amassed a fortune and lavish lifestyle built on the backs of thousands of well-intentioned people. This doesn’t sit right with me. It’s morally and ethically wrong. It’s fraud. Spiritual fraud.

If you impersonate a police officer, you’ll get arrested. If you pretend to be a doctor and treat patients, you’ll go to jail. But apparently, you can pretend to be the second coming of Jesus, change your mind about it, act like it never happened, and shut down anyone who tries to bring it up.

For example, in the early 1980s, Prem ordered all video tapes and magazines from the earlier years destroyed. Nice try. The original movies will be available soon on Jacques Sandoz’s YouTube channel. Jacques was the filmmaker and producer of Lord of the Universe and Satguru Has Come. An archive of older publications and videos can be found here.

Watch this video as he refuses to describe his transition from Guru to peace ambassador when the interviewer, a respected journalist in India, politely asks him to do so several times.

I have many friends who are loyal followers. Some of them want nothing to do with me now. A few even called my ex-wife, asking what’s happened to me. Prem’s physician reached out to me, asking to talk. I asked him what do you want to talk about? He said your criticism about Prem. I replied what exactly would the purpose of this conversation be? Crickets.

Final thoughts.

What do I want out of all this criticism of Prem? Simple.

I want him to be honest about his actions and who he is. I want him to tell us the true story of his life. I want him to acknowledge that while Knowledge has dramatically benefited many, his arrogant behavior has harmed many. He’s cast many people aside without regard for their well-being — ashram premies, instructors, administrative staff, and personal staff.

And, for anyone who thinks I’m just another ex-premie who stopped meditating with an axe to grind, you’re dead wrong. I have a rich inner experience, and I practice meditation every day.

My issue is with the teacher, not the teachings. It’s time for Prem to get off the stage and take responsibility for his actions.