I got kicked out of one ashram because I wanted to take some time off on the weekends. I used to sneak out of the house and go to my brother's place, where he would make me toast with butter and cinnamon and sugar and a hot cup of tea, and just let me relax and watch TV or read or just 'veg' out. The housefather at the ashram told me I needed to be in service all weekend, but I worked a full time job as a cleaner at a hospital and on the weekends all I wanted to do was rest. Finally it came to a head and I was asked to leave. Then he had the audacity to tell me I had to hand in my last pay packet before I left. I laughed and ignored him.

I never really could accept what I call 'stupid authority'. That's why I failed as a nun too. I think at some point I realised that it was a no-win game in the ashrams, so was happier outside them. But Padarthanad kept telling me I needed to be in the ashram, and would pull strings to get me into another one.

I was actually happy when they were all shut down because then I couldn't be forced to go back. I was a bit more upset when mj fired all us part-time instructors because I had worked so hard to get to that mythical goal.

As for travelling with the guru. I never actually was one of his entourage, but Ray and I travelled the world during the Rejoice programs and other special events, so Ray could do his 'director' shit (I was his DA, director's assistant). I often ran into the guru backstage (or back in the Visions offices). It was exhausting and although I went to a lot of countries, I mostly saw airports and hotels and conference centres. Hardly a dream job. I saw more of the world when I was travelling on my own years later.

I am so sorry what so many people went through back in those days, and how little redress they have gotten. I think that's why some people want to believe in heaven and hell, because the 'bad' people don't always get what they deserve in this life. There just really isn't a lot of 'fairness' in this life. So we need to grab what happiness we can with what we have. Wouldn't it be great if karma really existed?