It is how it goes in the beginning though- and as wise Genny said, it is healing and not something to judge ourselves for.

Piece by piece it will all fall into place and all the accompanying emotions will be there to guide you through and we will all be here, holding your hand if you want us to.

 Memories will surface and some of them you will be moved to share. You will probably feel like devouring as much info as possible about him at certain times, at other times you will want to forget for a while and just live your life. 

It does help others as you post though, including everyone here, because we know what you mean!!! and it resonates and heals us too. 

For myself writing it down moves me forward a step at a time. It simplifies things and engages that critical thinking about him which he practically forbade. That you even made a complaint! heaven forbid, haha

I noticed while 'doing service' that it was impossible to question the way things were done or the unwieldy systems. It was strangely impractical and although there came to be a lot of corporate speak around stuff as if we were professionals no one seemed to understand how it helped, we still went round and round in circles a lot of the time. Plus my brain was in dumbed down mode. 

Looking back I can see how much I was trying to give to myself, how I was trying to be open and humble and sincere. I congratulate myself now when I notice how i wanted to show up in my best place. It's not my fault he is a manipulator who wants to use people like me. It doesn't make me wrong.

Life is good, love is wonderful.we are luckier than we even know.

Prem's luck will run out in due course, some days I'm impatient for that to happen.

Other days I have the patience of a dragon. Either way I have half a smile on my face just knowing that he cant run from his own demise