Some have a core resonance with the evolving soul of mankind. My relationship with myself, with God and Goddess, with any teachings- is a highly individual experience with many facets already cut from my past and my culture. Other facets i am hewing from the stone myself, letting in new lights and colours .

 There is only me here, no one else to please but the ineffable. 

Some things i rejected as shallow previously were only shallow because i had not discovered the depths. 

Like many of us I was swept up in the story of the 6o's too which led many of us along the new/old paths of the east. 

Now I say prayers, as i've mentioned here before. Thats it, thats all I do. Prayers to Jesus and the Holy Trinity. It gives me an anchor for something that has no outlet otherwise, I had a daily spiritual practise that i had for more than 30 years.Trying to hide in the now! 

 I recognised I needed something, i couldn't personally dismiss the part of me that was sincerely seeking a relationship with God in a bod, not for the long haul anyway. I had no clue what to do really, but after going quietly insane for a bit, ended up finding a person I could talk to about feeling spiritually attacked and he happened to be a priest in the russian orthodox religion, I did a bit of investigating and realised I preferred the orthodox take on things for the most part to any of the other christian churches. They are more realistic in their view that this is a therapy. Within the confines of the doctrine each person, each individual case of help sought is recognised as a highly individual matter. Another person going to the same priest with similar questions may not have been given the prayers. i have not been in touch with the priest since. i have not felt the need. that was some time ago now, more than a year. I'm not going to go into the different reasons why more than this, because if anyone really wants to know about that stuff you can find out for yourselves. I have no stake in what anyone else thinks or does to get through this dark night. As long as it's not hurting one another. we have all been through enough. The principal of Love , surely however you embody that for yourself has got to be the way through.

Prem did prey on the most vulnerable part of us and as we split off from him we can thank our lucky stars that we can find ways that resonate with our best selves, find people that can help us. there are only so many colours in the universe, and then many individual hues of those. I am finding out the colours of my soul. 

I am isolated here, hardly any one around. Occasionally trips to the city bring me in touch with old friends. I am comforted by prayers. So? I can beat myself up if I like, tell myself I need to show more self made woman skills than that, but I'm honestly tired of pushing myself around the way i did with prems false knowledge. I'm in a process of forgiving myself. Jesus is coming out tops for that in my little life. No big deal, i haven't noticed any change in my behaviours except I've more integrity. 

No loss of contact with anyone or judging of any body. No joining forces either. No need to say this is what one must do, no need to be right anymore. More compassion for others as the prayers sink in. More humility on my part and less fear. I don't feel my critical thinking is compromised, i feel i actually think more clearly and question myself more honestly. 

Prem was wrong, yep. Just like the last abusive narc partner I had was a total shit. 

Shall I stay away from all male relationship for the rest of my days, because he was a male? or shall i acknowledge that the larger part of me actually still believes love between two people is possible. I am now aware I can choose either way. One thing  praying has done is opened my eyes to the fact that I have choice, total choice, every moment, every decision it is up to me. i didn't operate that way with the K. 

For the last few years i have chosen a life of practically solitary confinement, hiding from the stalker but aware that i am not going to be able to kill the part of me that is wounded, i am just going to have to heal somehow and start again

Shall I stay away from the part of me that has always sought a relationship with my spiritual side,an understanding of my self in relation to God? Shall I give prem the kudos that yes he has ripped me away from a truly innocent and whole place in myself through spiritual rape?

shall I intellectualise and analyse myself to smitherines and tell myself I am not to indulge in this human failing of seeking a living relationship with creator through the creation because it got me into a mess before?

 Or did it/ Was it me or was it him?

 Somedays the jury is still out, but I continue with the daily prayers and feel no ill effects, and believe me I am forever watchful.