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Hi zonk2. I think what you're describing is familiar to most of us here. If you need to talk about things - and not necessarily on the board - there's plenty of folk here who'll be happy to chat via email. But hang on in there, pal - the darkness will pass. What seems like a bleak prospect when first exiting, can quickly give way to a new sense of liberation. Keep in touch (if you feel like it) and take care. Nigel
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When it finally dawns that Maharaji isn't the King of Kings, Lord of Hosts, Almighty God in human form but rather just another guru from India peddling his wares, there is a major feeling of grief and the burning question, where do I go from here? Well I had that feeling even though I hadn't actually been a practising premie for many years.So I wrote the word "GOD" on a piece of paper and prostrated before it, just like I used to do years before in front of Maharaji's picture. And you know what, it felt the same, only much more real. Now I'm not even a theist, more an agnostic but I found this excercise to be very beneficial and I still do it from time to time. The thing is, the God you thought Maharaji was is still there. He is your own personal God and nobody can take that away from you. From this day on, it is a new beginning and there can be new meaning in your life. No longer are you beholden to an Indian guru who has dragged you through an impossible belief system for years. You are free of him now. You have your own personal God, if you want Him (or not if you decide to be an atheist) and you can decide what gives your life meaning and colour. So step forward bravely, knowing that you are not alone because you can now rejoin the human race.
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Yes,
Prem Rawat is essentially mad -- or perhaps bad. But you are not. You've seen through the web of illusion he peddles:- you a better person than he is. You have transcended your god. That sounds like a pretty good thing to me (although I do not speak from any personal experience).
And as Dave says, the fact that you hung your ideas of divinity and mystery on the wrong hook, does not mean so very much. Except this -- all the love and magic and mystery was from *you*. And it's all still yours. But now you know it.
Time does heal. There's a lot of folk who have been through what you are now experiencing who can help you talk and feel things through.
Best wishes,
Jonti
-- never a premie
Modified by jonti at Fri, Dec 30, 2005, 10:37:34
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Hang in there Zonk. M is mad. You are right. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. Sadness and suffering is felt by billions of beings on the planet, and our own seems unique to us. Just let it be. There are some good people here in this forum with sound advice. You will be your own champion Zonk.
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Who will guide me who will be my champion One of the hardest things about letting go of Rawat (or any God) is the feeling of loss of that all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving "friend" one imagines them to be. Who now can we turn to? It's a tough one for sure. In the movie "Harvey" they made things easy for Jimmy Stewart. Instead of forcing him to deal with the fact that his invisible six-foot rabbit friend was imaginary, they made Harvey real. How peachy. But life's not a fantasy movie and there are no Rawats accompanying us through life that way. Damn him to hell for trying though, eh? And we are really alone, alone in a sense that only humans, uniquely aware as we are of our mortality and fleeting existence (wasn't it just yesterday that we were planning our last New Year's Eve?) can understand. Basically, without an imaginary friend to give us love and guidance, we have to get those things on our own. The love doesn't have to be for people necessarily. Anything that draws us to it draws from that same well. And that feels good. It feels good to feel that enthusiasm and caring drawn from us. As far as love goes, that's it. Cultivate it and enjoy it because, unless you're going to throw yourself into some other false belief system, that's all she wrote. As for the guidance, I think it's extremely helpful to realize how that imaginary friend never, ever gave you any anyways. Just praying to Rawat was such a complicated process, if you really think about it, as there were always conflicting principles and ideas to imagine him guiding us with. Even then we had to sort through the tangled mess to construct some forced sense of where he was supposedly leading us. It's always bullshit, that sense of spiritual guidance from an imaginary friend, and it's always so complicated. That's why there are clergy in the world, supposed experts at seeking, recognizing and interpreting the imaginary wisdom of these imaginary friends. The point is, you never had that guidance anyway. You always had to make your own way through it all. Rawat never had any help to offer. The only difference now is that you can see you're on your own and yes, it's scary, especially when you've been telling yourself something quite contrary for years. But it's real and we do have just enough of what it takes to make a go of it. We're the descendents of those who succeeded for millions of years, after all, so we definitely have the right stuff. In the end, it just comes down to trying to enjoy yourself and have a good time. Thankfully, everyone seems to know what that means, at least to some extent. Go for it.
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I that in heill wes and gladnes, am trublit now with gret seiknes, and feblit with infermitie : Timor mortis conturbat me.
Our plesance here is all vane glory, this fals warld is bot transitory, the flesche is brukle, the Fend is sle : Timor mortis conturbat me.
etc, etc.
That's from a poem of the C15th by William Dunbar & the title translates as....' the fear of death troubles me'...... so your problem isn't new, nor is it confined to those who thought the answer was taken care of, but discovered it wasn't.
If you can't hack the feel yourself up good modern explanation, & could get comfortable with a more medieaval solution , then let me suggest.... the Lady in Blue is looking out for you.....
Whatever you do , don't go anywhere near trick cyclists.
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And all that Beauty, all that Wealth e'er gave,
Awaits alike th'inevitable Hour.
The Paths of Glory lead but to the Grave.
(Gray: Elegy written in a country churchyard) Wow, that is such a beautiful poem that you have posted, Pat. Thank you very much for that.
I knew the quote, but not where it came from. I like the verse:
He takis the knichtis in to the field
Enarmit under helm and scheild;
Victor he is at all mellie:-
Refrain I also like the language in which it is written, which I am taking to be late medieval Scots English. I love all the verb past tenses ending in 'it', which is seemingly from the Norse, interspersed with the new French vocab mellie, beautie, vanitie, etc. The Lady in Blue threw me for a moment, but I guess you mean the Virgin Mary. Are you getting nostalgiac in your old age? I was born nostalgiac, and am a proud sentimentalist.
We were talking about It's a Wonderful Life in the pub the other day. I am one of the people I used to warn my contemporaries about at age 23. I kind of think life works out quite well if we just try to flow with it, being nice to others (without letting them take advantage) and to life around us, without looking for grand solutions. Though, if we have an enquiring disposition, we seem to be given little indicators of something greater than us which has a grip on things even if we ourselves don't always. Have a good 2006
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"A Lyke-Wake Dirge" THIS ae nighte, this ae nighte, —Every nighte and alle, Fire and fleet and candle-lighte, And Christe receive thy saule. When thou from hence away art past, —Every nighte and alle, To Whinny-muir thou com'st at last; And Christe receive thy saule. If ever thou gavest hosen and shoon, —Every nighte and alle, Sit thee down and put them on; And Christe receive thy saule. If hosen and shoon thou ne'er gav'st nane —Every nighte and alle, The whinnes sall prick thee to the bare bane; And Christe receive thy saule. From Whinny-muir when thou may'st pass, —Every nighte and alle, To Brig o' Dread thou com'st at last; And Christe receive thy saule. From Brig o' Dread when thou may'st pass, —Every nighte and alle, To Purgatory fire thou com'st at last; And Christe receive thy saule. If ever thou gavest meat or drink, —Every nighte and alle, The fire sall never make thee shrink; And Christe receive thy saule. If meat or drink thou ne'er gav'st nane, —Every nighte and alle, The fire will burn thee to the bare bane; And Christe receive thy saule. This ae nighte, this ae nighte, —Every nighte and alle, Fire and fleet and candle-lighte, And Christe receive thy saule.
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to all who have replied down below
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Hi Zonk 2! It is a HUGE transition to go through when you finally come to a realisation that what you have been worshipping for many years is flawed, to say the least--and maybe even mad! It's a loss that needs to be grieved, for sure--but as others say here and what I can tell you too, is that what was so beautiful about all of that was in YOU anyway. It's not "out there" anywhere. This was what was so insidious about M's message--because he always used to say that what you are looking for is within you--but there was a nasty little hook attached to that, namely that you need him anyway, to get there! Not so! But the loss feels real for a while. It's the loss of an illusion, which can sometimes feel worse than the loss of a real person or something tangible in the world. But we do recover, and go on to be stronger and better, and you will too. Best to you, Zonk! ~Shelagh
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