Of course I donated thousands to him personally, but then I followed Maharaji around the world begging him to make me an instructor. I remember a conversation with him in Malaysia asking him why he wouldn't accept me when I was so committed. I told him I had been trying for 14 years to become an instructor. His response? "Well, see, it's all done by computer now, and the computer doesn't know you are committed. It can't find you if you keep moving around. Go home and stay in one place so the computer can find you." !!!!!!! I ignored the jokes at my expense and just lapped up the personal attention. I went back to Australia to become a slave for a local instructor, in the hopes that my turn would come. I donated my apartment for Knowledge sessions and supported the instructor in every way I could, hoping that word would get back to "the Boss".

Obviously this paid off (or one day the computer must have found me), because I was invited to an instructor conference. Of course this was very costly too - a week in Malaysia. The conference was a totally strange time for me, with premies having affairs everywhere -- and the training was really confusing, with Maharaji destroying our egos (I guess that's what he was trying to do) and written tests that were probably designed to seem like zen koans but just seemed irritatingly obtuse, and princess Daya parading around the room during the final exam to distract everyone. After the training I still felt I hadn't "got it" so I used the last of my inheritance to follow Rawat across the United States to all of the Rejoice programs hoping that being with him would make it all clear! He yelled at the instructors a lot during meetings with us and tried to make us all feel stupid and incompetent. He even said at one meeting, "Some of you have been waiting 14 years for this but you still don't get it!" which I naturally took as a personal comment about me. I have the feeling now that I wasn't the only one who "didn't get it".

Obviously though, I was a failure as an instructor and a premie, since I am now a rotting vegetable. What I wish is that he had been the all-seeing and all-knowing Lord we thought he was, at least all-knowing enough to tell me to keep my inheritance and give up the idea of being an instructor, since I was going to eventually "ex" anyway.

What was wrong - didn't he know this would happen? What kind of Lord can't see the future? Jesus at least knew (so they say) that Judas was going to betray him.

I SOOOOO wish that Rawat could have seen just that little itty bitty bit into the future -- so I could have kept that money. At least I'd have something to show for it now apart from being older and wiser! Damn - Rawat wasn't the Lord after all - just a conman - and I got conned!

I can't even say that I got to travel on my inheritance, since I never really saw much of anything. I did get to see a lot of airports and convention centers though - I guess that was money well spent??? hmmm.... No, maybe not. Let's face it - I blew it. My bad.

And the reason I spent all that money travelling to see him? Not because I thought he was a "meditation teacher" or a "great humanitarian" - no - because I thought he was the "Lord Incarnate" and I wanted to be with him and to serve him. Silly me. I wonder where I got that strange idea from?? Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm.......